Tides come and go

So since my last agonizing post some things have improved and then are heading back down, like the tides, they rise but soon they fall back down. I started school, I got a job. The job kinda sucked I worked as a cook but I had some friends there but we'd stay up all night drinking and partying after work, which was fun but not what I needed. The job was kind of stressful so I found an easier job for more pay working with handicapp people. Nice and easy, school was going pretty good. I'd go to school, work out until it was time for work, go to work and do my homework and study at work at night after he went to bed, go home sleep... repeat... repeat... repeat. Nice and boring, sucked a bit cause I didn't really have friends anymore. I met a cool chick, it was fun though I didn't have much time and neither did she. She wanted an intimate realationship that I can't give her right now. I am far from ready to commit to anyone right now. It made her feel bad, we called it off and are trying to be friends but she keeps hoping for more. Work cut my hours back to almost nothing, I am broke as a joke! I barely have enough to pay most my bills, I have been having to use my credit cards and eat my parents food. School is still ok except one class sucks. Being busy has kept me from drinking, I haven't had a bottle in my house for quite a while, or any beer. I have gone out with friends a couple times and drank but nothing like it used to be. But now that I am not working as much I feel the want to drink rising, luckily I am too broke to buy any, they only accept cash for some reason so I can't use my cards. I keep telling myself that it will negativly affect my working out. I am getting into good shape and getting healthy, though my nutrition is getting worse since I don't have enough money for good food, I am going to frozen dinners, ramen noodles, and mac and cheese but its still food. All I can do is keep fighting and keep living. Live for this moment, before the moments gone. Try to find the little moments when its quiet and there are no thoughts going through my head. Sooner or later the tides will go back down and then they will go back up, no sense in fighting them in either direction.

Almost a year...

Funny my last post here was about HB and I fighting, we made up and then it all went to shit. Where and what should I post about now. I am still fighting depression and still a battling alcoholic. I have no job, I have only a couple friends and most I don't share my problems, all I do is write them on the blog or keep them bottled up inside. I have read self help books to try to teach me to ease the pain, they helped for a while. But I still end up drinking to numb myself from myself, to try to keep the thought at bay. My life has truly gone to shit. The only thing I have that keeps me even trying to fight everything is my son. But once he is asleep or at his moms, I have nothing holding me back from grabbing a bottle and wanting to drown myself. I try using will power but that only holds me up for a little while, or holds me back from drinking as much but the fact still remains that I had to drink. I did quit smoking, I could beat that but not the alcohol. If I could just find a job, things should get better thats what I keep telling myself. I will have something to keep me busy and from sitting here thinking about everything, I will hopefully make some new friends so I won't be such a burden on the few I have now. I will be able to pay my bills! I start school next month, that will also help keep me busy. Despite my laziness, right now I would rather be too busy and all over the place than stagnant! The only thing that I have been doing for myself is getting my tattoo, every week I have been spending the money that I shouldn't be spending, it's like another bad habit. But I do deserve some sort of reward, I never give myself anything, so this is my gift to myself for trying, I tried to quit smoking and succeeded, I am trying to be a good dad, I am trying to find a job, I am trying to make myself a better person, I am trying to be healthier. Maybe someday I will succeed...

What do I do? Do I continue going on making her life miserable in hopes that it will all work out or do i go back home? Lately I have felt no love, it is like we're roommates who share a bed. You always act pissed at me, you barely give me kisses and when I tell you I love you, you struggle to force the words from your lips. You got me again god, dangle the piece of hope in front of me and then take it away, if not for her, I'd been dead by now or at least dying. Now it's too late my family won't get shit for my death, they would have gotten 400k, now just bills. I'm suprised she stuck around this long, but now it's over. I have a feeling I will stay til the lease is up and we will part ways. I am done, I am done feeling, I am tired of having my heart trampled, even if it's not on pourpose. I am done making peoples lives miserable because they let me into it. I will simply go back to being a hermit, I have no more friends around anyway, cutting off communication isn't all that hard. I will find a low paying job somewhere to pay the bills until I die, just like the rest of the people back home. Or do I go in hopes that somehow love will conquer? Love doesn't conquer shit, it only conquers me. It only fucks with my head and gives me hope that I am not a piece of shit, at least temporarily, then its gone and I am the ass that fell for it...again. I swear each and every time that I won't be that stupid again but sure enough, I do. Someday I will be free, someday I will feel no more. Someday I will make the right decision. Is it better to have loved and lost or not to have loved at all. My vote is to die.

Forsaken

Last night as I laid down, not the slightest bit tired since I took a 3 hour nap just 5 hours earlier, my mind was racing. I stared at the pile of blankets next to me, waiting for a sound, a sigh, a cough or anything. Anything to clear the suffocating silence. Silence my old friend, I thought you were gone forever but as usual you come back to me. I could make it through a whole day not saying a word and I don't think anyone would care, or they would be happy with it. It seems that I piss people off when I open my mouth, though for most people I am trying to. But when I open my mouth to someone I care about just simply making an observation about someone being needy or expressing my hurt about a compliment to someone else I get the rapture. I get the silent treatment. I guess that's what happens when I get too comfortable with someone that I think I can express my feelings to, it backfires. I need to go back to the passionless granite shell I used to wear and see if it still fits. Apparently the world is still not ready for my emotions, Put them back in a time capsule and open them in a few years. Before I fell asleep, I said my prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this isn't a downhill steep
If it is let me die before I wake
So I can die before she realizes it was a mistake.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night when she rolled over and touched me, apparently with the silence my body was reverting back into forsaken mode. It was going to the place it knew so well. The cold lonely nights. But yet I am awake this day so if there is a lord then hopefully this will get better or he is just teasing and torturing me again. I guess time will tell which.

I love...

The way you smile
The way your hair always looks
your eyes!
They way you smell
the way you taste!
Your sense of humor
your strength
your indecisiveness
your thoughtfulness
your cooking
that you joined the color guard to be around me
your openness
that even when I am upset you can make me smile
the butterflies that you still give me
your jealousy even though sometimes it's over nothing
your beauty in and out
that your willing to move in with me
that you are willing to introduce me to your family
that you may meet mine even if you've been trying to back out
that you introduced me to Gabe
your kiss
Miss Sprinkles!
that you appreciate me
doing small things to show you how much I love you
that you can't see how great you truly are
your honesty
your stories, even though some have too much detail
taking showers with you
holding you
sleeping with you
31 that you don't get too mad at me for stealing blankets
your laugh
your sneeze
your hiccups when you smoke
when you bite your lip
that we can laugh about the dumbest things
that your my best friend

Springs here again....Reproductive Glands

Now last year at this time I was a very bitter, hateful person. As the weather warms up and you see people walking the streets hand in hand, I wanted to puke. This year I am finally one of those people. I'm not sure how often we will be walking the streets but that part doesn't matter. I have a lot of emotions coursing through my veins about spring and summer. HB and I moving in together doesn't seem too much like a big deal since we have been pretty much for several months now, but I am still nervous. Slightly anxious about my son coming, but not too bad. I thing it will be a fun time but I am worried about missing out on my other jobs income, I don't think it will hurt too bad with HB and I splitting the bills. I'm worried about boring HB to death. I mean hell I get bored with myself a lot! How can she deal with it. I am happy that she is with me and happy with myself because I know that no one can treat her better than I do. I enjoy doing those little things that most men tend to forget. Now I'm not saying that I myself may fall out of the habit but for me it doesn't seem like a hassle. I am a little nervous about meeting her family. She'll be bringing home a white boy and I am pretty sure they speak Spanish regularly and I will be wondering if they are talking about me...lol. I'm not nervous about her meeting mine, hell they already love her and they've never met or talked to her. They can tell how happy she makes me. I am a little nervous wondering how my son is going to act seeing her and me kissing her. He's questioned me already about who I'm living with but I think thats because his mom puts thoughts in his head. Like I said a plethora of emotions. But more than anything I am happy and that is what matters the most.

I Remember....

I remember those days way back when so well. The days when I didn't have a job. The days when I would sit at home with you all day long. We had so much fun in those days. How they seem so far away now. I used to get iritated with you, only because I didn't know how to handle the situation. For the times when I shouted, I apologize. But hopefully you will remember the good times as I do. I remember taking you out and rollerblading, put you in your stoller and off we'd go. You'd laugh as the wind hit your face. Sometimes you'd even fall alseep at peace with your daddy pushing you while doing a thing he enjoyed doing so much. How close we were back then. Spending all our time together. How I'd get up everytime you cried at night to feed you. I wish time wouldn't have pulled us apart. Life happens, life changes. I got a job that took me away for a while, when I got back you didn't recognize me, or if you did you were mad at me for leaving. You didn't like me much anymore. It hurt more than you will ever know, or I'd ever be able to explain. But things got better. We lived together as a family once again. And I again pushed you in your stroller while I rollerbladed. This time in a different state and much faster as you cheered. We went down hills, both of us laughed as you screamed for me to go faster. Then it all changed again. This time you left me, not by choice but with your mommy. A little older now, you don't seem to resent me quite as much but I still feel it. I hate the fact that I'm missing you growing up. I hate having to hear about it over the phone as you grow taller and begin climbing trees. I know sometimes I was strict with you and you may have hated it. I know I was the same with my parents. But one thing I try to do different with you is talk about it afterwards. Let you know why I was upset and let you voice your opinions about it. I know that we hardly get to spend time together and I know I may slip your mind from time to time. Even though we don't talk much I hope you know I constantly think about you and our future. This summer may be rough but after I get out of the Navy maybe you can come stay with me for a while and then next summer spend it all with me. I just need to save up money and get a bigger place and find a babysitter so I can work when you come still. Though I know I won't want to. I want to teach you how to be a man, not like the other guys you are around, they are not good role modles. I want you to grow up right. I want you to be a good man, as I am trying to be. I want you to have a better life than I did. I hope that one day we will rollerblade down the road once again and talk of the times I remember so long ago.

Why is it I can still fall into slumps. What is it inside me that can bring me down. I think it is my mind. It's got a mind of it's own that I can't controll. I have been happy, really happy, happier than I have been in I don't know how long. But when I am away from here my mind wins, it wonders and roams over shit that is pretty much meaningless for the time being. It trys to think of a future that I don't want to see. When I am with her I only think about the now. I am happy now, I am with her and that's where I want to be right now. But when she is away, that's when the happiness fades and the hate takes over. The hate for everything, I hate the world and everything in it, except for her and the other few that even my mind can't convince me to hate. I hate the fact that I could start a list of everyone and everything I hate but it would be never ending, I could sit here for the rest of my life hating. I hate myself for reasons unknown. I hate the black cloud that seems to constantly follow me around. I hate the fact that I can be depressed when my life has been going great for the past 122 days. I hate greed, I hate money that creates the greed, I hate the money that we need to survive. I hate the fact that entire world depends and struggles for a small piece of paper that runs our lives. It destroys out lives. Everyone will do anything for that little piece of paper, think about it. Everyone has a price. Every guy will take a dick in the ass for some amount of money, every woman would shove a broom stick up her for some amount of money. People may say other wise but get a couple million dollars in cash in front of them and watch them drop their pants. I have never been this way. I have never really given 2 shits about money. I will blow everything in one night just for shits and giggles. The more money you have the more trouble it is. But now I am begining to hate myself for becoming greedy. I keep working and keep saving. I have come to the conclusion that everyone falls into this way of life. I guess that's when you become an adult. When you realize that this is one world under the dollar. When you realize that a piece of paper makes the world go round. You are not in control of your life, the money you have is in control of how your life will be. How much money you have decides what college you can go to, what kind of house you will have, what kind of person you can date, and every other aspect of your life. The thought of all this has begun to drive me mad. For now I'll play along, I'll play the game. What choice do I have, I'm off to work.

Pink Floyd - "Money"

Money, get away.
Get a good job with good pay and you’re okay.
Money, it’s a gas.
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I’ll buy me a football team.

Money, get back.
I’m all right jack keep your hands off of my stack.
Money, it’s a hit.
Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit.
I’m in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a lear jet.

Money, it’s a crime.
Share it fairly but don’t take a slice of my pie.
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today.
But if you ask for a raise it’s no surprise that they’re
Giving none away.

Huhuh! I was in the right!
Yes, absolutely in the right!
I certainly was in the right!
You was definitely in the right. that geezer was cruising for a
Bruising!
Yeah!
Why does anyone do anything?
I don’t know, I was really drunk at the time!
I was just telling him, he couldn’t get into number 2. he was asking
Why he wasn’t coming up on freely, after I was yelling and
Screaming and telling him why he wasn’t coming up on freely.
It came as a heavy blow, but we sorted the matter out

A Story...

Once upon a time there was an unwanted child born to a young couple. The child grew up knowing that he was different but didn't know how or why. He seemed to do things that got him in trouble, as long as he could remember. He still remembers when he was really young stealing his cousin's birthday money when he really had no use for money back then. He got caught and in trouble. Still to this day he doesn't exactly know why he did bad things and was constantly in trouble while he was younger. As he became a little older he noticed he was slipping into depression and spent a lot more time alone in his room darkened by foil over his window to keep the light out. He was still getting into trouble and did drugs to escape the reality he lived daily. Not being popular, not haveing many friends, Not having any money, and just not having anyone he could really talk to made matters even worse. Now as a man looking back he thinks that all he ever really needed was a sense of love. His parents always unintentionally neglected him, friends just came and gone out of his life, girls never really paid him any attention and after talking to him found out that he was a really messed up individual. He had all these dark thoughts in the back of his mind, hidden resentments towards the world that didn't want him. He constantly thought of death and how great it would be to be free of all the hatred towards him. He unsuccessfully attempted several times. He was a wuss, though pain didn't affect him the fear of the unknown scared th3e shit out of him. He eventually came across a friend that had a loving family that he had always dreamed of. He became close to this family, they helped him see that there were good parents out there but every night he still went back to the home he wasn't wanted in and didn't want to be in. This family helped him stop doing drugs as much at least and suicide was out of his mind. Then he drifted away from this family. He met a girl who he thought loved him. Love the one thing that he has been looking for. Arguing all the time is a part of relationships, he thought. This was his first real relationship, real being lasting more than 2 weeks. He had to hold on to this and not let go. Th ough he wasn't happy he stayed because they themselves, a young couple had an unexpected child. His parents stayed together even though they fought all the time, they stayed together to raise their unwanted child. He too could do this. He would show this child that he was loved, that he was wanted in this world. He would try to give him everything his heart could ever desire. He held on and didn't want to let go. He lost his job so he got to spend everyday with him, though he again lived in a house where he wasn't wanted. He lived with his new wife's family. They would daily tell her things about him. They would make up things, accuse him of beating the child that he loved so much, said he was flirting with her cousins 15 year old friend because he wasn't wearing a shirt because it was summertime, and the list just kept going. He told her that her family was crazy, she didn't believe him. He stayed and endured the arguments and her leaving and going out with old boyfriends and he stayed at home with the son he loved. Eventually he found a job that involved traveling and he had to sacrifice time with his son. But he would at least get away from his wife and her crazy family for a while. She eventually said she wanted a divorce and took everything, including the love. During the relationship he realized that what they had between them wasn't love, it couldn't be, though it was more than he had felt before it couldn't be what the hype was about. But he knew he loved his son, he wanted his life to be different than his. He wanted this unexpected child to not feel like an unwanted child. He rarely gets to see his child these days, and doesn't talk to him on the phone as much as he probably should. But he still thinks of him everyday and hopes that his son doesn't grow up feeling like he once did. His job eventually led him to meet a woman. This woman has a different background. Although she has similar interests and they have a lot of things in common. She also has wanted someone to love and thought that she was in love with the people before. She also didn't know how love felt and though she may not have been happy it had to be love. They met, they hit if off, they fell for each other quickly. They finally found out what "real love" was, the love for someone other than family, other than his son and other than her son. They felt this thing so powerful, the need to be with the other. They physically and emotionally needed each other. They met at a low part in both of their lives. They both build on each other. That is real love. They don't really argue, they don't fight, they talk about everything about their past. He is happy he has suffered in the past so that he can fully appreciate what he has found. His life now has two goals: make sure his son always knows he loves him, and make sure she knows she is loved. He hopes he can accomplish both of those goals and hopes that he can make both of them happy for the rest of his life.

Lately I have been feeling a little helpless and slightly confused on what to do. HB has seemed stressed out and with a good right to, things haven't been going smoothly. I want to help and make everything right and make her happy. I know that my presence does help, I just wish there was more I can do. Gabe has been unruly with her. I'm not a child phsycologist and have no idea why. Sometimes I want to try to offer advise but am afraid of crossing a boundry because I know damn well that it's definately not my place but I want to try to offer suggestions that may help. I know that I have no room to talk though, when I lived with my son I had a really really bad temper with him. I know that kids drive you insane. Even when I was home last week he almost drove me over the edge. I have learned to control it alot better though now that he is older and I see him less, he listens a little better and knows when I am about to snap and I send him to his room or put him in there if he doesn't listen and this gives both of us time to cool down and talk. But when he was younger, like Gabe is, they don't stay in their room or give you time to cool down, they are always pushing. I have come to laughing at them when they cry and throw their fits, I really think it's funny, though greatly annoying (especially in public). I wonder when they come to think that, that is an acceptable way to try to get the things they want. But anyways when I wonder what advise I could give that wouldn't be crossing a line I realize that I don't know how I would would have been able to control my temper back then. I don't know, I just over analyze things alot I guess. In this case it is probably a good thing though. All I know is I love her and want her to be happy.

The best part of my day

As I laid in bed last night waiting for sleep to wash over me, I began thinking. I was thinking how absolutly comfortable I was and am most every night, lying in bed with her. I am so warm, cozy, I don't think about anything else but her, how much I am in love with her, how I love the feel of her skin. The way she presses her little butt against my stomach, the way my bicept fits perfectly into her curve above her hip, how my hand fits perfectly into the one of 3 places she holds it, either under her chin, against her heart, or on her breast all of which her fingers intertwine mine. The way I pull my pillow up slightly on hers but only my ear rests on it. My cheek rests slightly on her shoulderblade, I bury my nose slightly into the middle of her back feeling the warmth of my breath as it caroms off her shirt. Sometimes I lift my leg up in between hers every place my body touches hers gleams from the heat of our love. I can't put into words the euphoria that I feel, it's like Heaven, every night I die and get to sleep in Heaven. I get the chance to hold a lovely seraph all night long. The last thing I see when I fall asleep and the first I see in the morning, I couldn't ask for more.

What does the future hold?

SO apparently because HB posted hers that was in draft, I am obligated to also even though this was just going to get written in my book at home whenever I got a chance. But here is the post not meant for your eyes. Same questions, hardly answers.

I have tried to stop myself of thinking about the future. I have been wondering often about what would happen next year if HB and I lasted that long. I have planned to go home to be with my son, though I dread living back there. She made a comment while cooking thanksgiving dinner about me being gone next year, it really upset me. I brought it back up while we were getting ready to go to sleep. All I could say is we have to wait and see what happens and plan from there. She said that I had to go back with my son. I want to be with him, but not really there, I want to be with her, I know she won't go there. Choices, though this is way too early to make a decision, why would I even stress about it, because that’s what I do. Say we keep going as good as we have been thus far, how do I just up and say goodbye and go back to nowhere to be with my son, struggle for a job and probably end up working nowhere for nothing and end up resenting him for being the reason I gave up Love. Flip sides, I stay with her and be a civilian around here making good money until she leaves and then she’ll want to go back to Texas, where I can’t just drive 8 hours to see my son. Though if I followed her to Texas my son would be with me during the summers. But what if it doesn’t work out there, I am stuck a long way from home. Then I was thinking about when I get out to go home for a bit and coming back and I just don’t know. All I know is I want to be with both, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too (I’ve never understood this reference, of course if you have cake you’re going to eat it!?). The sad part is I know my son will be there always and I can make distance work with him, since I have been already. If I didn’t have him things would be so much easier, but then again if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am right now, I’d probably be in jail or still selling/doing drugs. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably be saying it until the day I die; Timing has never been my thing. I think if things continue on the path as it is now that I will do what I have to, to stay with her and hope that my son will understand someday. Plus He’d have fun visiting new places in the summer as opposed to staying in bumfuck Ohio. But that’s just a thought at the moment, we’ll have to see if I screw things up between now and then.

Yesterday vs. Tomorrow

I was talking with a friend at my other job yesterday and mentioned a girlfriend, she is one of the preppy kind of airheaded girls, but seems pretty cool. She was asking shitloads of questions about her like she has been my best friend for years though we haven't seen each other outside of work ever. She asked about love, do I love her, does she love me. I said yes. She asked how when we have only been together for a month. I have often wondered this myself. How can I, and her too for the matter, go from being cold, hating the world, and not even being able to conceive a concept of love to today being madly in love with someone. I tried to explain that we just click and fell. I mean I really really liked her from the weekend we hung out but the discussions we had on the phone while she was gone definately made me take the pluge, before her I'd rather burn than fall. But we talked about almost everything. We have so many of the same likes and dislikes. We are both open and honest and just plain blunt with each other. We are both physically attracted to each other. So far I have not found an actual thing about her that bothers me, I do wish she had more self esteem but I am sure she thinks the same about me. The feelings definately came fast and strong and knocked the wind out of me, she knocked the wind out of me. She has brought a light to my life that I have never seen, the completeness of my life. Every other woman who has been in my life and the ones that I thought I loved or actually did love has not completed me. The one I believed to be my soul mate never completed me, she had a boyfriend and our relationship was always concealed from the world. My ex wife barley qualifies as being a friend. When HB is around me, I just want to stare at her and so I can have every movement she makes engraved into my brain. All I can do is stare and smile. when she is close I want to hold her and kiss her and never let her go, ever! I know it is a new love and that is the way "new love" is supposed to be, you can't get enough of each other and it will fade. But I don't think it will. I do try to stay at my house every once in a while but not to have space from her but only to try to give her time with her son and to make sure that I don't get on her nerves. I think we both seem to feel like this is our last chance at love, if this doesn't work we are giving up on the concept yet again. This is my greatest fear, she said before that she falls out of love just as fast as she falls into love. Yesterday I was a rock of solid ice giving the entire world the cold shoulder and today my heart has been melted and given in exchange for hers that I hold dear and hope that I don't ever lose.

Is this Love?

What a difference 2 and a half weeks have made on my life. Since my separation last May, a year and a half ago, I have been able to keep myself distant, teaching myself not to fall completely blind for anyone, and yes this could have helped cause my loneliness. I came close to really liking a couple people that were taken away by the needs of the military, now that I think about it, it was the army, damn army. Anyways the ones before were strictly close friends, no real physical anything. But after one weekend I fell and I mean I fell hard. I tried not to show it too much mainly because during our talks she didn't want to feel like that. I knew that I was feeling this emotion way too fast and figured that if I said something I would surely scare her off. She went back home to take care of thing and I thought surely she would forget about me, she had so much stuff on her plate and when she came home, we'd hang out every once in a while and it would end up like the rest of my "relationships" from the past. But we talked and texted each other the whole time she was gone and I fell even further in Love with her, so much that it hurt me that she was so far away, I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, see that little smile and the way she bit her lip after I kissed her. That look is the greatest thing I have ever seen, I can't even explain it. It's sexy, sweet, looks like she is happy, looks like she loves me, looks like she doesn't want to be anywhere or doing anything else than kissing me. And it's great because I don't want to be anywhere else or doing anything else. I love the way we just click, we can sit there and make fun of each other and play around. We both understand each other, how scared we both are of being hurt, the concerns with her son, and how we can get over these. It's really hard for me to remember a time when I have felt like this before. I miss her whenever I am away from her. I love it, and I hope it last for ever, but I will savor it like each day may be the last, though I definitely hope it's not. HB you are oh so very righteous and I Love you!

Tis a Season

So fall is finally here. It’s generally my favorite season, watching nature die! Not to mention my birthday and it’s usually nice weather, not too hot but warmer. So lately I have been doing good at fighting my upcoming depression. I have been keeping busy though I have been living pretty stressfully. Funny thing is work is probably the least stressful part of my day. Hell if it wasn’t for work I’d be a hermit. Work is my most social part of my life. It’s what gets me out of my room everyday. I have been stressing over my probation and AA meetings. I knew I had consequences to face but probation wasn’t really one that I thought I was going to have to face. But I am trying to keep open. Everyone knows that I probably should go to these meetings. My drinking still isn’t as bad as it once was but it still is used a little too much as a stress reliever and actually at my first counseling session last week I found out why. Not that it actually stops me, knowing why it works doesn’t make it not work any less. But I think my main stress as of late has been being single. Sure it was fun for a while and at certain times I had friends that were like girlfriends and then I’d run off and get my sex from someone else because I was scared of losing the friendship or just too shy to go for it with a girl that was a friend and couldn’t read any signals other than friendship. But now I am back to nothing. There’s one girl I work with that I am starting to like, but same thing I can’t tell if she wants friendship, well I know she wants friendship, but I don’t know if she may want more. She went through a nasty breakup not too long ago and talks about it way too much. And I am fearing that I am going to make the same mistakes and I don’t want to, but then again I don’t want to come on too strong and not even have the chance to be friends. I swear to god, I hate my mind. I want to feel wanted or needed by someone. I want to be able to hold someone at night in bed again. I want to walk down the street holding someone’s hand. I want to have a reason for getting up each morning, other than just to go to work and do the same shit everyday. Watching most my friends with their girlfriends make me jealous and angry, not at them, at myself. How and why am I letting this happen to me? I am the only one who can change this, I need to get out and fucking do something. I need to stop sitting and getting drunk on weekends feeling sorry for myself. I say this to myself over and over but weekends come and the same thing happens. I need to change before my heart and soul wither away with nature.

Numb

My heart has been numb for so long it has died, til out of the blue you came in and gave it a small jolt. Suprisingly it started beating again. You laid your head on my chest, the beating startled you. I told you it would die again soon. You saw past my flaws, including my huge problem with being an alcoholic. You seemed to understand and accept me. Perhaps it is just my imagination thinking there was a slight connection with the fact that it has been so long that a woman has appeared attracted to me. My mind has never been my friend. I either think too much and ruin things with talk or not enough and ruin it with actions. I am one big flaw.

Timing is everything in this crazy world, unfortunately I have always been bad at timing. I seem to meet people who may be the right person but at the wrong time, or the wrong people at the right time. All the people including only friends coming and going has made me a lonely person with walls so that I don't have to feel the loss again. The question is, is it better to remain numb or to give in to the ups and downs? Numb has left me protected but depressed and lonely. Feeling has had some joys but more heartaches that seem to be the end of the world. Who's next to come and go, what am I going to do with them, let them in or keep them out. Time will tell.

Dying slowly

I realize I am slowly killing myself. Yet I don't care. I drink my weight in whisky and rum and when I drink I smoke even more. My heart hurts. Is it from the abundance of things m body isn't used to or a lonely heart? I may never know if I die as lonely as I came into this world. Who really cares? Not me except for the fact I will be a disappointment to my son, but this is probably unavoidable anyway. I am always a disappointment and have grown used to it. It doesn't affect me anymore when I get chased by police or fall through a window because I am drunk and can't stand up straight. Where is my crappy life going to leave? Am I going to get out and become the prize parent I always wished for or am I going to end up torturing my son like my parents did to me? Life is filled with too many choices, I have never been good at choosing the right ones. Death is not what I wish for, I only wish to be happy and death seems the only way. The escape that drugs once gave me, the "not caring" attitude that I once held. The feeling that one day I will have no regrets or no worries about the future. The feeling of happiness that I seem to never posses. One day I may truly be free and not have another care. The feeling that I am truly loved and wanted in this world. Without fear of making people happy or having to provide a future. I try to call up old friend and it seems like I am talking to a wall. What do I say to this person that I once and probably still Love when they are so far away. I will not see them for at least a year how can I promise or ask them to promise a future, All I have ever wanted was to be loved and wanted. I wasn't a wanted baby, I was an accident. I have always been an accident to everyone around me. Randy, don't worry about him, he's an accident waiting to happen. I have always happened, what's next, Death by alcohol and cigarettes? That's how I feel, my lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to will kill me. Do I care, I don't think so. Life is a game, I am not good at games. I always lose.

I hate myself

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am afraid of women. No I'm not gay. I have always been the shy type. The quiet keep to myself, not really nerd, since I'm not smart. Most of the time I don't give a fuck what people think of me, except when it comes to a relationship of any sort past friendship. Whether it be tryin to make out with a chic or just plain old fucking. When I go to a club, I can talk shit to any guy in there and not give a shit that I'm a skinny fuck, but when I want to ask a girl to dance, I freeze. I am never confident in anything when it comes to women. WHat if she sees I can only do the skinny white bot dance, what if she thinks I am a bad kisser, what if she thinks I am bad in bed(if it gets there) , what the fuck should I care, I may never have to speak to these people again. I have tried for years to get the ISGAF attitude in these situations but no matter how much alcohol I consume these thoughts still srorm my brain. I am a fuckin wuss, I realize it. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, I have been admitting to it for years and still can't recover. I have always known that I was a fucked up individual. But why can't I be like every other fucking guy? I just wish I was normal. Why can I never shut down my brain, I have tried with every drug from alcohol to acid and it doesn't work. I hate myself for it. I try to be cocky, I don't really think I am that bad looking but no woman wants a guy who lacks confidence. Oh well back to the drawing boards, I am just trying to have fun here, in 2 years I will be back to the small town life, where everyone knows your business. I need to live it up where I will never have to see the other person again.

ME...?

Since I have noticed that people don't really check this one out, I feel that I can write more personal thought here and not fear that certain people will come across it. Thanks TG for helping me see that what I want to share shouldn't be censored because of who may read it, though this isn't my usual blog, it is me...I am nothingness.

It seems bad things always happen to good people. Usually they are people around me, if it is not me myself. Life seems so depressing. Bad things happen every second to someone. You only hear tragedies on the news, when do you hear about someone falling in love, never. Along with my list about being constantly depressed, I don’t mention the fact that I have attempted suicide several times, when I was younger and still constantly think about it. One person alone stops me now, my boy. I once attempted hanging myself with an extension cord but was too tall to do it in my house. Drugs have always helped ease the pain that people sometimes call life. The only problem now is random drug tests. I will always be an outside that no one but a few people like. I am used to it, but the loneliness still hurts. I think that is the worse pain, loneliness, I have spent my whole life alone and it is tragic knowing that I am probably going to continue through life and death the same way. What can I do to change this? Be the person everyone likes, by being someone else? I am stuck being me, the person who says stupid shit and then kicks himself in the ass after I am home by myself overanalyzing the reason I wasn’t asked to hang out again. I realize that I ruin every opportunity that comes my way, afraid to ask a girl out and sound childish. I am pathetic. But I am me; no one can take that from me. All I can do is hope that I can come across a shy woman who is the same way and hope that I have the balls to step up and see that this is the time to act. Someday perhaps.

The nothingness that is me

I was seeing that everyone else had lists so I decided to start one, but I don't know how long it will be. I am going to try to add to it when I can.

1. I obviously follow the crowd often. (hence a list like others I have seen)
2. I joined the Navy because I was unemployed and had a family to provide for.
3. I really don't have any close friends anymore, just frequent acquaintances(most have transferred when we became real good friends)
4. I was always anti-govt(reference green mohawk in profile), but now love being in the Navy.
5. I never finish anything I start for myself.
6. In high school I was a freak, but smarter than most of the preps.
7. In Algebra 3 I made a prep cry by making fun of her for scoring higher than her on a test I took when I was stoned.
8. I drink and smoke too much.
9. I will spend a total of 5 years in the Navy and not see a ship, unless we finally take the field trip to see the USNS Comfort.
10. Kurt Cobain a god to me, I wish I can be as cool as him(off drugs and alive though).

11. I used to cut myself, once carving "Fuck You" in my forearm. Only a few scars are still visible.
12. I think I have been depressed my whole life, but never been/wanted to be treated for it.
13. I have committed several crimes from theft to arson and never been caught(No one was ever hurt).
14. I grew up in a small town that was boring hence #11-13.
15. I used to have a pair of red contacts and a pair of white ones. I wore them for almost 2 years sometimes wearing one of each.
16. I worked at a car wash and scared people with my contacts.
17. I worked at Taco Bell and scared customers with my contacts.
18. I once met a full blooded Native American Nazi wannabe.
19. I am shy.
20. My longest real relationship was a month before my ex-wife.

21. I met my soul mate in 7th grade. I sat next to her in Mr. Ingleman's science class, he used to always say "quicker, faster, sooner" really fast. I messed up by not waiting for her and moving on to the now ex-wife.
22. I lack self confidence.
23. I am pretty laid back, but have a bad temper. When I reach that breaking point watch out.
24. I know several ways to break arms, legs, and necks.
25. I have 4 tats, including a dragon, barbed wire, a four leaf clover, and the Navy emblem.
26. I had 6 or 7 jobs in the year I was 18 through a temp service. none were simultaneous, I didn't quit any, I was not hire in or laid off.
27. I was fired from Taco Bell 3 times, they kept hiring me back.
28. I love poetry. I always try to write it but always think it sounds like shit.
29. I really have no talents.
30. I am always complaining about being bored but usually too lazy to get up and do something.

31. I still own a small boy scout rope that I traded a friend in 3rd grade a chocolate milk for, he died that summer in a car crash.
32. I hate all "top ...." lists, they all always piss me off. Especially when it's about music.
33. In high school I was only in one fight. A football player tried to shove me into a locker my freshman year. I punched him in the temple then repeatedly bashed his head into the lockers. I went to study hall like nothing happened. No one messed with me again through high school.
34. I save/collect stupid things, from movie tickets to beads from places where I have fun.
35. When I'm bored I sometimes do searches for old friends names on the net. I have found things from poems posted when they were 12 to crimes committed.
36. I drive a mini van. It's the only thing I got from the divorce, because I pay for it.
37. My first car was a 91 Dodge Shadow. I paid $1,000 for it and put in $1,000 stereo system, when it thumped it felt like the car was going to crumble under me.
38. I listen to music about 10hrs a day. I have over 80hrs of music on my comp at work.
39. I officially became an adult the moment I saw my son. I stopped doing everything stupid I did in high school and growing up.
40. I am not photogenic, mainly because I have a giraffe neck. It's really long.

41. Number 13 is no longer valid after being arrested on Easter for DUI.
42. This DUI is my first time getting in trouble with the cops other than several speeding tickets.
43. I have had 5 speeding tickets and one reckless op for doing doughnuts in a parking lot but it was thrown out after I graduated.
44. I have shed tears to movies involving children, such as John Q, Jersey girl, and unfortunately the end of Con Air. Only because I think of my own son.
45. I usually don't cry but some times it does feel good.
46. I can cry on que, I used to try to get out of trouble with my parents, usually didn't work though.
47. I orveranalyze everything after the fact and think of ways I could of acted to avoid the predictment I ended up end.
48. My favorite TV show is The Simpson's, I used to be like Bart but over the Years now see myself as Homer, except I can't gain weight.
49. I have no people skills.
50. I am usually a good judge of charater.

51, I have always had a variety of friends since high school. I have intellectual friends, jock friends, and my favorite the crazy goth/or punk friends that usually understand me more.
52. I try to be intellectual but usually make myself sound dumb.
53. I sometimes understand what women want but still can't be "that guy" I end up being myself and that isn't what they want.
54. My command is going to start treating me like an alcoholic because I got a DUI>
55. I hate recieving negative attention though sometimes I feel it's better than being ignored.
56. I love all music with a good melody though don't care for country I sometimes find myself tapping my toe to it.
57. I have only opened myself up to 2 people in my life one my ex and the other I believe to be my soul mate(refer to #21)
58. I have a very bad short term memory though I can remember evey detail of some memories of my childhood.
59. My farite food is lasagna, favorite band is Nirvana, favorite song is "Where did you sleep last night"
60. It is hard to pick favorite movie I enjoy those that relate to me: SLC Punk, Butterfly Effect, Fear and Loathing in Las Vagasand some for pure enjoyment: The Crow, American History X, and Clockwork Orange.

61. I enjoy people watching and trying to figure out why people are the way they are.
62. I rarely take any medication, even motrin, I figure my body will be stronger if it fights it itself.
63. I usually don't go to the doctor even though it's free in the military.
64. I gag on big pills, I started taking a once daily vitamin and had troubles swallowing it.
65. My dream is to go on Fear Factor, just to say I did it. They do some cool shit on there, besides eating some stuff which I think can't be what they say due to FDA regs.
66. I am a Corpsman(Medical) but I forget almost all of my 16 weeks of medical training.
67. I am a radiation health tech for the navy and a health physisist at my second job and forget most of my 10 weeks of training.
68. My job is so simple a 10 year old could do it. You point a meter at stuff, if it beeps alot you tell someone to clean it, repeat as nessasary. Boring but good money.
69. I don't really have a favorite color. Sometimes I like orange, or bright green, or red, or black.
70. I am pretty sure I have adult ADD.

71. I work to much. Monday- Friday from 6am-7pm, with both my jobs.
72. I am an only child and I think it has caused me to hate being alone, though I deal with it. I like to have someone there when I think of my little quirks.
73. I sometimes play the "what if..." game in my head. What if I kicked my boss in the head, what would really happen. Stuff like that.
74. I am pretty sure I am mentally insane but just have a conscience that keeps me from doing the things that go through my head.
75. I think it's messed up that it takes me like two weeks to think up 75 things about me.
76. I used to want to be an architect, I still plan on drawing the plans for my house.
77. I used to do construction. I laid sidewalk, re-did roofs, and built one house. I kind of want to help build my house too.
78. I wonder a lot how I cam to the field I am in now, I enjoy working with my hands.
79. I enjoy trying different foods, before I moved here I was limited to fake chinese and mexican. I now enjoy Thai and Vietnameese.
80. I talk a lot of shit.

81. Most of my friends are older than me and range from 27-35. Canowine is the oldman.
82. I feel really vulnerable putting this stuff about me on the net and don't really know why I am doing it.
83. People who don't "know me" now know more about me than probably anyone who has met me.
84. When I am in my car driving to my second job I always think of stuff to add to this list but when I get to a computer, I forget it.
85. I like to be around outgoing people, they help me not be shy.
86. My face turns red and I sweat when I am nervous.
87. Above happens almost everytime I talk to a cute girl.(I know I am pathetic)
88. I don't think I am actually scared of anything. I get nervous sometimes but not actually scared.
89. I hate that dream that your falling. I still don't know how it happens. I can never remember what led to the falling.
90. I very rarely remember my dreams, I wish I could. They usually fade in minutes.

91. I still have 2 baby teeth in my mouth that will probably never come out.
92. I hate the village people for having a guy dressed like a sailor in the group.
93. I like to dance at clubs, but don't think I'm good at it. Clubs should play songs you can slow dance to.
94. My freshman year of High school I went the entire year without wearing my glasses, my eyes are really bad. I had the really cheap plastic glasses until I saved enough money to get contacts.
95. When I was younger I had a pineapple haircut. You know where everything is shaved down except bangs, yeah it was bad.
96. I noticed almost all the t-shirts I have are from high school, the only new ones are from concerts.
97. I eat Ramen noodle packs pretty much on a daily basis, usually for lunch.
98. I was once within arms reach of president Bush with a loaded 9mm on my waist, doing security.
99. I did security for a Disturbed/Chevelle/Taproot concert hoping to meet the bands. Closest I got was a pat on the back from the lead singer of Taproot(they had that song called Poem) while holding back 50 15 year olds.
100! I love meeting new people, the Navy is awesome for that. I have met a ton of cool ass people from all over the world. It just sucks when you become really good friends with them and then you or them get PCS(move). It is hard to stay in touch.


I finally reached 100!!!!!!!!!! It only took me like 2 weeks, God I am boring.