Almost a year...

Funny my last post here was about HB and I fighting, we made up and then it all went to shit. Where and what should I post about now. I am still fighting depression and still a battling alcoholic. I have no job, I have only a couple friends and most I don't share my problems, all I do is write them on the blog or keep them bottled up inside. I have read self help books to try to teach me to ease the pain, they helped for a while. But I still end up drinking to numb myself from myself, to try to keep the thought at bay. My life has truly gone to shit. The only thing I have that keeps me even trying to fight everything is my son. But once he is asleep or at his moms, I have nothing holding me back from grabbing a bottle and wanting to drown myself. I try using will power but that only holds me up for a little while, or holds me back from drinking as much but the fact still remains that I had to drink. I did quit smoking, I could beat that but not the alcohol. If I could just find a job, things should get better thats what I keep telling myself. I will have something to keep me busy and from sitting here thinking about everything, I will hopefully make some new friends so I won't be such a burden on the few I have now. I will be able to pay my bills! I start school next month, that will also help keep me busy. Despite my laziness, right now I would rather be too busy and all over the place than stagnant! The only thing that I have been doing for myself is getting my tattoo, every week I have been spending the money that I shouldn't be spending, it's like another bad habit. But I do deserve some sort of reward, I never give myself anything, so this is my gift to myself for trying, I tried to quit smoking and succeeded, I am trying to be a good dad, I am trying to find a job, I am trying to make myself a better person, I am trying to be healthier. Maybe someday I will succeed...