Last night as I laid down, not the slightest bit tired since I took a 3 hour nap just 5 hours earlier, my mind was racing. I stared at the pile of blankets next to me, waiting for a sound, a sigh, a cough or anything. Anything to clear the suffocating silence. Silence my old friend, I thought you were gone forever but as usual you come back to me. I could make it through a whole day not saying a word and I don't think anyone would care, or they would be happy with it. It seems that I piss people off when I open my mouth, though for most people I am trying to. But when I open my mouth to someone I care about just simply making an observation about someone being needy or expressing my hurt about a compliment to someone else I get the rapture. I get the silent treatment. I guess that's what happens when I get too comfortable with someone that I think I can express my feelings to, it backfires. I need to go back to the passionless granite shell I used to wear and see if it still fits. Apparently the world is still not ready for my emotions, Put them back in a time capsule and open them in a few years. Before I fell asleep, I said my prayer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this isn't a downhill steep
If it is let me die before I wake
So I can die before she realizes it was a mistake.
I woke up several times in the middle of the night when she rolled over and touched me, apparently with the silence my body was reverting back into forsaken mode. It was going to the place it knew so well. The cold lonely nights. But yet I am awake this day so if there is a lord then hopefully this will get better or he is just teasing and torturing me again. I guess time will tell which.
About Me
- RC666
- Life is generally boring, it is based on routine. I get comfortable in routine, I enjoy being bored. But every once in a while I do stupid shit to shake it up and have a good time. I hate most of the world and the people in it. My head is full of a lot of nothingness.
3 comments:
It's not about not being able to tell me how you feel. It's how you say it. How cold you were with me. I don't want to come home to silence. I don't want to not kiss, or touch you. I wanted so bad to say something but it's hard to just say things. You hung up on me when I said something. I make a suggestion and you blatantly just hang up on me. That is one of the most rude things anyone can do. You shut me out first. I was just being defensive by not talking to you. I want to be the person you talk to, not the person you push away. I was just expressing how I feel. I want you to tell me what you feel. I thought I could do that, too. But maybe I was wrong.
You didn't tell me anything, I hug up because you got defensive and started talking about deleting it which wasn't even what I was saying, it isn't the page that upset me it was your comment. I wasn't being cold I was half asleep and apparently you can't talk to me anyway, you think it will burden me but silence is more of a burden than knowing what you are thinking. Not talking about it for fear you will say something you regret is bullshit, because it just builds up to more.
If you want cold and lonely nights then just say so. I'll be more than happy to oblige. I'm not going to keep playing like I like these stupid games.
I'm not here to make your life miserable. I am here to love you. And that is all. Maybe that isn't enough for you.
I can't tell you everything. I try to. But there are things I can't even tell myself right now. I am working up to it. I tell you almost everything, but I don't like telling people how I feel all the time.
Silence was a much better alternative than what I wanted to say to you. I am over it though. If you aren't then fine. We can keep going on.
I love you, Randy. That is all I can say.
I'm sorry to have made you feel like shit. I'm not trying to. But I'm not too happy at this moment with how we handle things.
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