Tis a Season

So fall is finally here. It’s generally my favorite season, watching nature die! Not to mention my birthday and it’s usually nice weather, not too hot but warmer. So lately I have been doing good at fighting my upcoming depression. I have been keeping busy though I have been living pretty stressfully. Funny thing is work is probably the least stressful part of my day. Hell if it wasn’t for work I’d be a hermit. Work is my most social part of my life. It’s what gets me out of my room everyday. I have been stressing over my probation and AA meetings. I knew I had consequences to face but probation wasn’t really one that I thought I was going to have to face. But I am trying to keep open. Everyone knows that I probably should go to these meetings. My drinking still isn’t as bad as it once was but it still is used a little too much as a stress reliever and actually at my first counseling session last week I found out why. Not that it actually stops me, knowing why it works doesn’t make it not work any less. But I think my main stress as of late has been being single. Sure it was fun for a while and at certain times I had friends that were like girlfriends and then I’d run off and get my sex from someone else because I was scared of losing the friendship or just too shy to go for it with a girl that was a friend and couldn’t read any signals other than friendship. But now I am back to nothing. There’s one girl I work with that I am starting to like, but same thing I can’t tell if she wants friendship, well I know she wants friendship, but I don’t know if she may want more. She went through a nasty breakup not too long ago and talks about it way too much. And I am fearing that I am going to make the same mistakes and I don’t want to, but then again I don’t want to come on too strong and not even have the chance to be friends. I swear to god, I hate my mind. I want to feel wanted or needed by someone. I want to be able to hold someone at night in bed again. I want to walk down the street holding someone’s hand. I want to have a reason for getting up each morning, other than just to go to work and do the same shit everyday. Watching most my friends with their girlfriends make me jealous and angry, not at them, at myself. How and why am I letting this happen to me? I am the only one who can change this, I need to get out and fucking do something. I need to stop sitting and getting drunk on weekends feeling sorry for myself. I say this to myself over and over but weekends come and the same thing happens. I need to change before my heart and soul wither away with nature.