Dying slowly

I realize I am slowly killing myself. Yet I don't care. I drink my weight in whisky and rum and when I drink I smoke even more. My heart hurts. Is it from the abundance of things m body isn't used to or a lonely heart? I may never know if I die as lonely as I came into this world. Who really cares? Not me except for the fact I will be a disappointment to my son, but this is probably unavoidable anyway. I am always a disappointment and have grown used to it. It doesn't affect me anymore when I get chased by police or fall through a window because I am drunk and can't stand up straight. Where is my crappy life going to leave? Am I going to get out and become the prize parent I always wished for or am I going to end up torturing my son like my parents did to me? Life is filled with too many choices, I have never been good at choosing the right ones. Death is not what I wish for, I only wish to be happy and death seems the only way. The escape that drugs once gave me, the "not caring" attitude that I once held. The feeling that one day I will have no regrets or no worries about the future. The feeling of happiness that I seem to never posses. One day I may truly be free and not have another care. The feeling that I am truly loved and wanted in this world. Without fear of making people happy or having to provide a future. I try to call up old friend and it seems like I am talking to a wall. What do I say to this person that I once and probably still Love when they are so far away. I will not see them for at least a year how can I promise or ask them to promise a future, All I have ever wanted was to be loved and wanted. I wasn't a wanted baby, I was an accident. I have always been an accident to everyone around me. Randy, don't worry about him, he's an accident waiting to happen. I have always happened, what's next, Death by alcohol and cigarettes? That's how I feel, my lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to will kill me. Do I care, I don't think so. Life is a game, I am not good at games. I always lose.