I hate myself

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am afraid of women. No I'm not gay. I have always been the shy type. The quiet keep to myself, not really nerd, since I'm not smart. Most of the time I don't give a fuck what people think of me, except when it comes to a relationship of any sort past friendship. Whether it be tryin to make out with a chic or just plain old fucking. When I go to a club, I can talk shit to any guy in there and not give a shit that I'm a skinny fuck, but when I want to ask a girl to dance, I freeze. I am never confident in anything when it comes to women. WHat if she sees I can only do the skinny white bot dance, what if she thinks I am a bad kisser, what if she thinks I am bad in bed(if it gets there) , what the fuck should I care, I may never have to speak to these people again. I have tried for years to get the ISGAF attitude in these situations but no matter how much alcohol I consume these thoughts still srorm my brain. I am a fuckin wuss, I realize it. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, I have been admitting to it for years and still can't recover. I have always known that I was a fucked up individual. But why can't I be like every other fucking guy? I just wish I was normal. Why can I never shut down my brain, I have tried with every drug from alcohol to acid and it doesn't work. I hate myself for it. I try to be cocky, I don't really think I am that bad looking but no woman wants a guy who lacks confidence. Oh well back to the drawing boards, I am just trying to have fun here, in 2 years I will be back to the small town life, where everyone knows your business. I need to live it up where I will never have to see the other person again.