What does the future hold?

SO apparently because HB posted hers that was in draft, I am obligated to also even though this was just going to get written in my book at home whenever I got a chance. But here is the post not meant for your eyes. Same questions, hardly answers.

I have tried to stop myself of thinking about the future. I have been wondering often about what would happen next year if HB and I lasted that long. I have planned to go home to be with my son, though I dread living back there. She made a comment while cooking thanksgiving dinner about me being gone next year, it really upset me. I brought it back up while we were getting ready to go to sleep. All I could say is we have to wait and see what happens and plan from there. She said that I had to go back with my son. I want to be with him, but not really there, I want to be with her, I know she won't go there. Choices, though this is way too early to make a decision, why would I even stress about it, because that’s what I do. Say we keep going as good as we have been thus far, how do I just up and say goodbye and go back to nowhere to be with my son, struggle for a job and probably end up working nowhere for nothing and end up resenting him for being the reason I gave up Love. Flip sides, I stay with her and be a civilian around here making good money until she leaves and then she’ll want to go back to Texas, where I can’t just drive 8 hours to see my son. Though if I followed her to Texas my son would be with me during the summers. But what if it doesn’t work out there, I am stuck a long way from home. Then I was thinking about when I get out to go home for a bit and coming back and I just don’t know. All I know is I want to be with both, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too (I’ve never understood this reference, of course if you have cake you’re going to eat it!?). The sad part is I know my son will be there always and I can make distance work with him, since I have been already. If I didn’t have him things would be so much easier, but then again if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am right now, I’d probably be in jail or still selling/doing drugs. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably be saying it until the day I die; Timing has never been my thing. I think if things continue on the path as it is now that I will do what I have to, to stay with her and hope that my son will understand someday. Plus He’d have fun visiting new places in the summer as opposed to staying in bumfuck Ohio. But that’s just a thought at the moment, we’ll have to see if I screw things up between now and then.

Yesterday vs. Tomorrow

I was talking with a friend at my other job yesterday and mentioned a girlfriend, she is one of the preppy kind of airheaded girls, but seems pretty cool. She was asking shitloads of questions about her like she has been my best friend for years though we haven't seen each other outside of work ever. She asked about love, do I love her, does she love me. I said yes. She asked how when we have only been together for a month. I have often wondered this myself. How can I, and her too for the matter, go from being cold, hating the world, and not even being able to conceive a concept of love to today being madly in love with someone. I tried to explain that we just click and fell. I mean I really really liked her from the weekend we hung out but the discussions we had on the phone while she was gone definately made me take the pluge, before her I'd rather burn than fall. But we talked about almost everything. We have so many of the same likes and dislikes. We are both open and honest and just plain blunt with each other. We are both physically attracted to each other. So far I have not found an actual thing about her that bothers me, I do wish she had more self esteem but I am sure she thinks the same about me. The feelings definately came fast and strong and knocked the wind out of me, she knocked the wind out of me. She has brought a light to my life that I have never seen, the completeness of my life. Every other woman who has been in my life and the ones that I thought I loved or actually did love has not completed me. The one I believed to be my soul mate never completed me, she had a boyfriend and our relationship was always concealed from the world. My ex wife barley qualifies as being a friend. When HB is around me, I just want to stare at her and so I can have every movement she makes engraved into my brain. All I can do is stare and smile. when she is close I want to hold her and kiss her and never let her go, ever! I know it is a new love and that is the way "new love" is supposed to be, you can't get enough of each other and it will fade. But I don't think it will. I do try to stay at my house every once in a while but not to have space from her but only to try to give her time with her son and to make sure that I don't get on her nerves. I think we both seem to feel like this is our last chance at love, if this doesn't work we are giving up on the concept yet again. This is my greatest fear, she said before that she falls out of love just as fast as she falls into love. Yesterday I was a rock of solid ice giving the entire world the cold shoulder and today my heart has been melted and given in exchange for hers that I hold dear and hope that I don't ever lose.

Is this Love?

What a difference 2 and a half weeks have made on my life. Since my separation last May, a year and a half ago, I have been able to keep myself distant, teaching myself not to fall completely blind for anyone, and yes this could have helped cause my loneliness. I came close to really liking a couple people that were taken away by the needs of the military, now that I think about it, it was the army, damn army. Anyways the ones before were strictly close friends, no real physical anything. But after one weekend I fell and I mean I fell hard. I tried not to show it too much mainly because during our talks she didn't want to feel like that. I knew that I was feeling this emotion way too fast and figured that if I said something I would surely scare her off. She went back home to take care of thing and I thought surely she would forget about me, she had so much stuff on her plate and when she came home, we'd hang out every once in a while and it would end up like the rest of my "relationships" from the past. But we talked and texted each other the whole time she was gone and I fell even further in Love with her, so much that it hurt me that she was so far away, I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, see that little smile and the way she bit her lip after I kissed her. That look is the greatest thing I have ever seen, I can't even explain it. It's sexy, sweet, looks like she is happy, looks like she loves me, looks like she doesn't want to be anywhere or doing anything else than kissing me. And it's great because I don't want to be anywhere else or doing anything else. I love the way we just click, we can sit there and make fun of each other and play around. We both understand each other, how scared we both are of being hurt, the concerns with her son, and how we can get over these. It's really hard for me to remember a time when I have felt like this before. I miss her whenever I am away from her. I love it, and I hope it last for ever, but I will savor it like each day may be the last, though I definitely hope it's not. HB you are oh so very righteous and I Love you!