The best part of my day

As I laid in bed last night waiting for sleep to wash over me, I began thinking. I was thinking how absolutly comfortable I was and am most every night, lying in bed with her. I am so warm, cozy, I don't think about anything else but her, how much I am in love with her, how I love the feel of her skin. The way she presses her little butt against my stomach, the way my bicept fits perfectly into her curve above her hip, how my hand fits perfectly into the one of 3 places she holds it, either under her chin, against her heart, or on her breast all of which her fingers intertwine mine. The way I pull my pillow up slightly on hers but only my ear rests on it. My cheek rests slightly on her shoulderblade, I bury my nose slightly into the middle of her back feeling the warmth of my breath as it caroms off her shirt. Sometimes I lift my leg up in between hers every place my body touches hers gleams from the heat of our love. I can't put into words the euphoria that I feel, it's like Heaven, every night I die and get to sleep in Heaven. I get the chance to hold a lovely seraph all night long. The last thing I see when I fall asleep and the first I see in the morning, I couldn't ask for more.

What does the future hold?

SO apparently because HB posted hers that was in draft, I am obligated to also even though this was just going to get written in my book at home whenever I got a chance. But here is the post not meant for your eyes. Same questions, hardly answers.

I have tried to stop myself of thinking about the future. I have been wondering often about what would happen next year if HB and I lasted that long. I have planned to go home to be with my son, though I dread living back there. She made a comment while cooking thanksgiving dinner about me being gone next year, it really upset me. I brought it back up while we were getting ready to go to sleep. All I could say is we have to wait and see what happens and plan from there. She said that I had to go back with my son. I want to be with him, but not really there, I want to be with her, I know she won't go there. Choices, though this is way too early to make a decision, why would I even stress about it, because that’s what I do. Say we keep going as good as we have been thus far, how do I just up and say goodbye and go back to nowhere to be with my son, struggle for a job and probably end up working nowhere for nothing and end up resenting him for being the reason I gave up Love. Flip sides, I stay with her and be a civilian around here making good money until she leaves and then she’ll want to go back to Texas, where I can’t just drive 8 hours to see my son. Though if I followed her to Texas my son would be with me during the summers. But what if it doesn’t work out there, I am stuck a long way from home. Then I was thinking about when I get out to go home for a bit and coming back and I just don’t know. All I know is I want to be with both, but I can’t have my cake and eat it too (I’ve never understood this reference, of course if you have cake you’re going to eat it!?). The sad part is I know my son will be there always and I can make distance work with him, since I have been already. If I didn’t have him things would be so much easier, but then again if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be where I am right now, I’d probably be in jail or still selling/doing drugs. I’ve said it before and I’ll probably be saying it until the day I die; Timing has never been my thing. I think if things continue on the path as it is now that I will do what I have to, to stay with her and hope that my son will understand someday. Plus He’d have fun visiting new places in the summer as opposed to staying in bumfuck Ohio. But that’s just a thought at the moment, we’ll have to see if I screw things up between now and then.

Yesterday vs. Tomorrow

I was talking with a friend at my other job yesterday and mentioned a girlfriend, she is one of the preppy kind of airheaded girls, but seems pretty cool. She was asking shitloads of questions about her like she has been my best friend for years though we haven't seen each other outside of work ever. She asked about love, do I love her, does she love me. I said yes. She asked how when we have only been together for a month. I have often wondered this myself. How can I, and her too for the matter, go from being cold, hating the world, and not even being able to conceive a concept of love to today being madly in love with someone. I tried to explain that we just click and fell. I mean I really really liked her from the weekend we hung out but the discussions we had on the phone while she was gone definately made me take the pluge, before her I'd rather burn than fall. But we talked about almost everything. We have so many of the same likes and dislikes. We are both open and honest and just plain blunt with each other. We are both physically attracted to each other. So far I have not found an actual thing about her that bothers me, I do wish she had more self esteem but I am sure she thinks the same about me. The feelings definately came fast and strong and knocked the wind out of me, she knocked the wind out of me. She has brought a light to my life that I have never seen, the completeness of my life. Every other woman who has been in my life and the ones that I thought I loved or actually did love has not completed me. The one I believed to be my soul mate never completed me, she had a boyfriend and our relationship was always concealed from the world. My ex wife barley qualifies as being a friend. When HB is around me, I just want to stare at her and so I can have every movement she makes engraved into my brain. All I can do is stare and smile. when she is close I want to hold her and kiss her and never let her go, ever! I know it is a new love and that is the way "new love" is supposed to be, you can't get enough of each other and it will fade. But I don't think it will. I do try to stay at my house every once in a while but not to have space from her but only to try to give her time with her son and to make sure that I don't get on her nerves. I think we both seem to feel like this is our last chance at love, if this doesn't work we are giving up on the concept yet again. This is my greatest fear, she said before that she falls out of love just as fast as she falls into love. Yesterday I was a rock of solid ice giving the entire world the cold shoulder and today my heart has been melted and given in exchange for hers that I hold dear and hope that I don't ever lose.

Is this Love?

What a difference 2 and a half weeks have made on my life. Since my separation last May, a year and a half ago, I have been able to keep myself distant, teaching myself not to fall completely blind for anyone, and yes this could have helped cause my loneliness. I came close to really liking a couple people that were taken away by the needs of the military, now that I think about it, it was the army, damn army. Anyways the ones before were strictly close friends, no real physical anything. But after one weekend I fell and I mean I fell hard. I tried not to show it too much mainly because during our talks she didn't want to feel like that. I knew that I was feeling this emotion way too fast and figured that if I said something I would surely scare her off. She went back home to take care of thing and I thought surely she would forget about me, she had so much stuff on her plate and when she came home, we'd hang out every once in a while and it would end up like the rest of my "relationships" from the past. But we talked and texted each other the whole time she was gone and I fell even further in Love with her, so much that it hurt me that she was so far away, I just wanted to hold her and kiss her, see that little smile and the way she bit her lip after I kissed her. That look is the greatest thing I have ever seen, I can't even explain it. It's sexy, sweet, looks like she is happy, looks like she loves me, looks like she doesn't want to be anywhere or doing anything else than kissing me. And it's great because I don't want to be anywhere else or doing anything else. I love the way we just click, we can sit there and make fun of each other and play around. We both understand each other, how scared we both are of being hurt, the concerns with her son, and how we can get over these. It's really hard for me to remember a time when I have felt like this before. I miss her whenever I am away from her. I love it, and I hope it last for ever, but I will savor it like each day may be the last, though I definitely hope it's not. HB you are oh so very righteous and I Love you!

Tis a Season

So fall is finally here. It’s generally my favorite season, watching nature die! Not to mention my birthday and it’s usually nice weather, not too hot but warmer. So lately I have been doing good at fighting my upcoming depression. I have been keeping busy though I have been living pretty stressfully. Funny thing is work is probably the least stressful part of my day. Hell if it wasn’t for work I’d be a hermit. Work is my most social part of my life. It’s what gets me out of my room everyday. I have been stressing over my probation and AA meetings. I knew I had consequences to face but probation wasn’t really one that I thought I was going to have to face. But I am trying to keep open. Everyone knows that I probably should go to these meetings. My drinking still isn’t as bad as it once was but it still is used a little too much as a stress reliever and actually at my first counseling session last week I found out why. Not that it actually stops me, knowing why it works doesn’t make it not work any less. But I think my main stress as of late has been being single. Sure it was fun for a while and at certain times I had friends that were like girlfriends and then I’d run off and get my sex from someone else because I was scared of losing the friendship or just too shy to go for it with a girl that was a friend and couldn’t read any signals other than friendship. But now I am back to nothing. There’s one girl I work with that I am starting to like, but same thing I can’t tell if she wants friendship, well I know she wants friendship, but I don’t know if she may want more. She went through a nasty breakup not too long ago and talks about it way too much. And I am fearing that I am going to make the same mistakes and I don’t want to, but then again I don’t want to come on too strong and not even have the chance to be friends. I swear to god, I hate my mind. I want to feel wanted or needed by someone. I want to be able to hold someone at night in bed again. I want to walk down the street holding someone’s hand. I want to have a reason for getting up each morning, other than just to go to work and do the same shit everyday. Watching most my friends with their girlfriends make me jealous and angry, not at them, at myself. How and why am I letting this happen to me? I am the only one who can change this, I need to get out and fucking do something. I need to stop sitting and getting drunk on weekends feeling sorry for myself. I say this to myself over and over but weekends come and the same thing happens. I need to change before my heart and soul wither away with nature.

Numb

My heart has been numb for so long it has died, til out of the blue you came in and gave it a small jolt. Suprisingly it started beating again. You laid your head on my chest, the beating startled you. I told you it would die again soon. You saw past my flaws, including my huge problem with being an alcoholic. You seemed to understand and accept me. Perhaps it is just my imagination thinking there was a slight connection with the fact that it has been so long that a woman has appeared attracted to me. My mind has never been my friend. I either think too much and ruin things with talk or not enough and ruin it with actions. I am one big flaw.

Timing is everything in this crazy world, unfortunately I have always been bad at timing. I seem to meet people who may be the right person but at the wrong time, or the wrong people at the right time. All the people including only friends coming and going has made me a lonely person with walls so that I don't have to feel the loss again. The question is, is it better to remain numb or to give in to the ups and downs? Numb has left me protected but depressed and lonely. Feeling has had some joys but more heartaches that seem to be the end of the world. Who's next to come and go, what am I going to do with them, let them in or keep them out. Time will tell.

Dying slowly

I realize I am slowly killing myself. Yet I don't care. I drink my weight in whisky and rum and when I drink I smoke even more. My heart hurts. Is it from the abundance of things m body isn't used to or a lonely heart? I may never know if I die as lonely as I came into this world. Who really cares? Not me except for the fact I will be a disappointment to my son, but this is probably unavoidable anyway. I am always a disappointment and have grown used to it. It doesn't affect me anymore when I get chased by police or fall through a window because I am drunk and can't stand up straight. Where is my crappy life going to leave? Am I going to get out and become the prize parent I always wished for or am I going to end up torturing my son like my parents did to me? Life is filled with too many choices, I have never been good at choosing the right ones. Death is not what I wish for, I only wish to be happy and death seems the only way. The escape that drugs once gave me, the "not caring" attitude that I once held. The feeling that one day I will have no regrets or no worries about the future. The feeling of happiness that I seem to never posses. One day I may truly be free and not have another care. The feeling that I am truly loved and wanted in this world. Without fear of making people happy or having to provide a future. I try to call up old friend and it seems like I am talking to a wall. What do I say to this person that I once and probably still Love when they are so far away. I will not see them for at least a year how can I promise or ask them to promise a future, All I have ever wanted was to be loved and wanted. I wasn't a wanted baby, I was an accident. I have always been an accident to everyone around me. Randy, don't worry about him, he's an accident waiting to happen. I have always happened, what's next, Death by alcohol and cigarettes? That's how I feel, my lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to will kill me. Do I care, I don't think so. Life is a game, I am not good at games. I always lose.

I hate myself

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am afraid of women. No I'm not gay. I have always been the shy type. The quiet keep to myself, not really nerd, since I'm not smart. Most of the time I don't give a fuck what people think of me, except when it comes to a relationship of any sort past friendship. Whether it be tryin to make out with a chic or just plain old fucking. When I go to a club, I can talk shit to any guy in there and not give a shit that I'm a skinny fuck, but when I want to ask a girl to dance, I freeze. I am never confident in anything when it comes to women. WHat if she sees I can only do the skinny white bot dance, what if she thinks I am a bad kisser, what if she thinks I am bad in bed(if it gets there) , what the fuck should I care, I may never have to speak to these people again. I have tried for years to get the ISGAF attitude in these situations but no matter how much alcohol I consume these thoughts still srorm my brain. I am a fuckin wuss, I realize it. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, I have been admitting to it for years and still can't recover. I have always known that I was a fucked up individual. But why can't I be like every other fucking guy? I just wish I was normal. Why can I never shut down my brain, I have tried with every drug from alcohol to acid and it doesn't work. I hate myself for it. I try to be cocky, I don't really think I am that bad looking but no woman wants a guy who lacks confidence. Oh well back to the drawing boards, I am just trying to have fun here, in 2 years I will be back to the small town life, where everyone knows your business. I need to live it up where I will never have to see the other person again.

ME...?

Since I have noticed that people don't really check this one out, I feel that I can write more personal thought here and not fear that certain people will come across it. Thanks TG for helping me see that what I want to share shouldn't be censored because of who may read it, though this isn't my usual blog, it is me...I am nothingness.

It seems bad things always happen to good people. Usually they are people around me, if it is not me myself. Life seems so depressing. Bad things happen every second to someone. You only hear tragedies on the news, when do you hear about someone falling in love, never. Along with my list about being constantly depressed, I don’t mention the fact that I have attempted suicide several times, when I was younger and still constantly think about it. One person alone stops me now, my boy. I once attempted hanging myself with an extension cord but was too tall to do it in my house. Drugs have always helped ease the pain that people sometimes call life. The only problem now is random drug tests. I will always be an outside that no one but a few people like. I am used to it, but the loneliness still hurts. I think that is the worse pain, loneliness, I have spent my whole life alone and it is tragic knowing that I am probably going to continue through life and death the same way. What can I do to change this? Be the person everyone likes, by being someone else? I am stuck being me, the person who says stupid shit and then kicks himself in the ass after I am home by myself overanalyzing the reason I wasn’t asked to hang out again. I realize that I ruin every opportunity that comes my way, afraid to ask a girl out and sound childish. I am pathetic. But I am me; no one can take that from me. All I can do is hope that I can come across a shy woman who is the same way and hope that I have the balls to step up and see that this is the time to act. Someday perhaps.

The nothingness that is me

I was seeing that everyone else had lists so I decided to start one, but I don't know how long it will be. I am going to try to add to it when I can.

1. I obviously follow the crowd often. (hence a list like others I have seen)
2. I joined the Navy because I was unemployed and had a family to provide for.
3. I really don't have any close friends anymore, just frequent acquaintances(most have transferred when we became real good friends)
4. I was always anti-govt(reference green mohawk in profile), but now love being in the Navy.
5. I never finish anything I start for myself.
6. In high school I was a freak, but smarter than most of the preps.
7. In Algebra 3 I made a prep cry by making fun of her for scoring higher than her on a test I took when I was stoned.
8. I drink and smoke too much.
9. I will spend a total of 5 years in the Navy and not see a ship, unless we finally take the field trip to see the USNS Comfort.
10. Kurt Cobain a god to me, I wish I can be as cool as him(off drugs and alive though).

11. I used to cut myself, once carving "Fuck You" in my forearm. Only a few scars are still visible.
12. I think I have been depressed my whole life, but never been/wanted to be treated for it.
13. I have committed several crimes from theft to arson and never been caught(No one was ever hurt).
14. I grew up in a small town that was boring hence #11-13.
15. I used to have a pair of red contacts and a pair of white ones. I wore them for almost 2 years sometimes wearing one of each.
16. I worked at a car wash and scared people with my contacts.
17. I worked at Taco Bell and scared customers with my contacts.
18. I once met a full blooded Native American Nazi wannabe.
19. I am shy.
20. My longest real relationship was a month before my ex-wife.

21. I met my soul mate in 7th grade. I sat next to her in Mr. Ingleman's science class, he used to always say "quicker, faster, sooner" really fast. I messed up by not waiting for her and moving on to the now ex-wife.
22. I lack self confidence.
23. I am pretty laid back, but have a bad temper. When I reach that breaking point watch out.
24. I know several ways to break arms, legs, and necks.
25. I have 4 tats, including a dragon, barbed wire, a four leaf clover, and the Navy emblem.
26. I had 6 or 7 jobs in the year I was 18 through a temp service. none were simultaneous, I didn't quit any, I was not hire in or laid off.
27. I was fired from Taco Bell 3 times, they kept hiring me back.
28. I love poetry. I always try to write it but always think it sounds like shit.
29. I really have no talents.
30. I am always complaining about being bored but usually too lazy to get up and do something.

31. I still own a small boy scout rope that I traded a friend in 3rd grade a chocolate milk for, he died that summer in a car crash.
32. I hate all "top ...." lists, they all always piss me off. Especially when it's about music.
33. In high school I was only in one fight. A football player tried to shove me into a locker my freshman year. I punched him in the temple then repeatedly bashed his head into the lockers. I went to study hall like nothing happened. No one messed with me again through high school.
34. I save/collect stupid things, from movie tickets to beads from places where I have fun.
35. When I'm bored I sometimes do searches for old friends names on the net. I have found things from poems posted when they were 12 to crimes committed.
36. I drive a mini van. It's the only thing I got from the divorce, because I pay for it.
37. My first car was a 91 Dodge Shadow. I paid $1,000 for it and put in $1,000 stereo system, when it thumped it felt like the car was going to crumble under me.
38. I listen to music about 10hrs a day. I have over 80hrs of music on my comp at work.
39. I officially became an adult the moment I saw my son. I stopped doing everything stupid I did in high school and growing up.
40. I am not photogenic, mainly because I have a giraffe neck. It's really long.

41. Number 13 is no longer valid after being arrested on Easter for DUI.
42. This DUI is my first time getting in trouble with the cops other than several speeding tickets.
43. I have had 5 speeding tickets and one reckless op for doing doughnuts in a parking lot but it was thrown out after I graduated.
44. I have shed tears to movies involving children, such as John Q, Jersey girl, and unfortunately the end of Con Air. Only because I think of my own son.
45. I usually don't cry but some times it does feel good.
46. I can cry on que, I used to try to get out of trouble with my parents, usually didn't work though.
47. I orveranalyze everything after the fact and think of ways I could of acted to avoid the predictment I ended up end.
48. My favorite TV show is The Simpson's, I used to be like Bart but over the Years now see myself as Homer, except I can't gain weight.
49. I have no people skills.
50. I am usually a good judge of charater.

51, I have always had a variety of friends since high school. I have intellectual friends, jock friends, and my favorite the crazy goth/or punk friends that usually understand me more.
52. I try to be intellectual but usually make myself sound dumb.
53. I sometimes understand what women want but still can't be "that guy" I end up being myself and that isn't what they want.
54. My command is going to start treating me like an alcoholic because I got a DUI>
55. I hate recieving negative attention though sometimes I feel it's better than being ignored.
56. I love all music with a good melody though don't care for country I sometimes find myself tapping my toe to it.
57. I have only opened myself up to 2 people in my life one my ex and the other I believe to be my soul mate(refer to #21)
58. I have a very bad short term memory though I can remember evey detail of some memories of my childhood.
59. My farite food is lasagna, favorite band is Nirvana, favorite song is "Where did you sleep last night"
60. It is hard to pick favorite movie I enjoy those that relate to me: SLC Punk, Butterfly Effect, Fear and Loathing in Las Vagasand some for pure enjoyment: The Crow, American History X, and Clockwork Orange.

61. I enjoy people watching and trying to figure out why people are the way they are.
62. I rarely take any medication, even motrin, I figure my body will be stronger if it fights it itself.
63. I usually don't go to the doctor even though it's free in the military.
64. I gag on big pills, I started taking a once daily vitamin and had troubles swallowing it.
65. My dream is to go on Fear Factor, just to say I did it. They do some cool shit on there, besides eating some stuff which I think can't be what they say due to FDA regs.
66. I am a Corpsman(Medical) but I forget almost all of my 16 weeks of medical training.
67. I am a radiation health tech for the navy and a health physisist at my second job and forget most of my 10 weeks of training.
68. My job is so simple a 10 year old could do it. You point a meter at stuff, if it beeps alot you tell someone to clean it, repeat as nessasary. Boring but good money.
69. I don't really have a favorite color. Sometimes I like orange, or bright green, or red, or black.
70. I am pretty sure I have adult ADD.

71. I work to much. Monday- Friday from 6am-7pm, with both my jobs.
72. I am an only child and I think it has caused me to hate being alone, though I deal with it. I like to have someone there when I think of my little quirks.
73. I sometimes play the "what if..." game in my head. What if I kicked my boss in the head, what would really happen. Stuff like that.
74. I am pretty sure I am mentally insane but just have a conscience that keeps me from doing the things that go through my head.
75. I think it's messed up that it takes me like two weeks to think up 75 things about me.
76. I used to want to be an architect, I still plan on drawing the plans for my house.
77. I used to do construction. I laid sidewalk, re-did roofs, and built one house. I kind of want to help build my house too.
78. I wonder a lot how I cam to the field I am in now, I enjoy working with my hands.
79. I enjoy trying different foods, before I moved here I was limited to fake chinese and mexican. I now enjoy Thai and Vietnameese.
80. I talk a lot of shit.

81. Most of my friends are older than me and range from 27-35. Canowine is the oldman.
82. I feel really vulnerable putting this stuff about me on the net and don't really know why I am doing it.
83. People who don't "know me" now know more about me than probably anyone who has met me.
84. When I am in my car driving to my second job I always think of stuff to add to this list but when I get to a computer, I forget it.
85. I like to be around outgoing people, they help me not be shy.
86. My face turns red and I sweat when I am nervous.
87. Above happens almost everytime I talk to a cute girl.(I know I am pathetic)
88. I don't think I am actually scared of anything. I get nervous sometimes but not actually scared.
89. I hate that dream that your falling. I still don't know how it happens. I can never remember what led to the falling.
90. I very rarely remember my dreams, I wish I could. They usually fade in minutes.

91. I still have 2 baby teeth in my mouth that will probably never come out.
92. I hate the village people for having a guy dressed like a sailor in the group.
93. I like to dance at clubs, but don't think I'm good at it. Clubs should play songs you can slow dance to.
94. My freshman year of High school I went the entire year without wearing my glasses, my eyes are really bad. I had the really cheap plastic glasses until I saved enough money to get contacts.
95. When I was younger I had a pineapple haircut. You know where everything is shaved down except bangs, yeah it was bad.
96. I noticed almost all the t-shirts I have are from high school, the only new ones are from concerts.
97. I eat Ramen noodle packs pretty much on a daily basis, usually for lunch.
98. I was once within arms reach of president Bush with a loaded 9mm on my waist, doing security.
99. I did security for a Disturbed/Chevelle/Taproot concert hoping to meet the bands. Closest I got was a pat on the back from the lead singer of Taproot(they had that song called Poem) while holding back 50 15 year olds.
100! I love meeting new people, the Navy is awesome for that. I have met a ton of cool ass people from all over the world. It just sucks when you become really good friends with them and then you or them get PCS(move). It is hard to stay in touch.


I finally reached 100!!!!!!!!!! It only took me like 2 weeks, God I am boring.