Dying slowly

I realize I am slowly killing myself. Yet I don't care. I drink my weight in whisky and rum and when I drink I smoke even more. My heart hurts. Is it from the abundance of things m body isn't used to or a lonely heart? I may never know if I die as lonely as I came into this world. Who really cares? Not me except for the fact I will be a disappointment to my son, but this is probably unavoidable anyway. I am always a disappointment and have grown used to it. It doesn't affect me anymore when I get chased by police or fall through a window because I am drunk and can't stand up straight. Where is my crappy life going to leave? Am I going to get out and become the prize parent I always wished for or am I going to end up torturing my son like my parents did to me? Life is filled with too many choices, I have never been good at choosing the right ones. Death is not what I wish for, I only wish to be happy and death seems the only way. The escape that drugs once gave me, the "not caring" attitude that I once held. The feeling that one day I will have no regrets or no worries about the future. The feeling of happiness that I seem to never posses. One day I may truly be free and not have another care. The feeling that I am truly loved and wanted in this world. Without fear of making people happy or having to provide a future. I try to call up old friend and it seems like I am talking to a wall. What do I say to this person that I once and probably still Love when they are so far away. I will not see them for at least a year how can I promise or ask them to promise a future, All I have ever wanted was to be loved and wanted. I wasn't a wanted baby, I was an accident. I have always been an accident to everyone around me. Randy, don't worry about him, he's an accident waiting to happen. I have always happened, what's next, Death by alcohol and cigarettes? That's how I feel, my lifestyle that I have grown accustomed to will kill me. Do I care, I don't think so. Life is a game, I am not good at games. I always lose.

I hate myself

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am afraid of women. No I'm not gay. I have always been the shy type. The quiet keep to myself, not really nerd, since I'm not smart. Most of the time I don't give a fuck what people think of me, except when it comes to a relationship of any sort past friendship. Whether it be tryin to make out with a chic or just plain old fucking. When I go to a club, I can talk shit to any guy in there and not give a shit that I'm a skinny fuck, but when I want to ask a girl to dance, I freeze. I am never confident in anything when it comes to women. WHat if she sees I can only do the skinny white bot dance, what if she thinks I am a bad kisser, what if she thinks I am bad in bed(if it gets there) , what the fuck should I care, I may never have to speak to these people again. I have tried for years to get the ISGAF attitude in these situations but no matter how much alcohol I consume these thoughts still srorm my brain. I am a fuckin wuss, I realize it. First step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, I have been admitting to it for years and still can't recover. I have always known that I was a fucked up individual. But why can't I be like every other fucking guy? I just wish I was normal. Why can I never shut down my brain, I have tried with every drug from alcohol to acid and it doesn't work. I hate myself for it. I try to be cocky, I don't really think I am that bad looking but no woman wants a guy who lacks confidence. Oh well back to the drawing boards, I am just trying to have fun here, in 2 years I will be back to the small town life, where everyone knows your business. I need to live it up where I will never have to see the other person again.

ME...?

Since I have noticed that people don't really check this one out, I feel that I can write more personal thought here and not fear that certain people will come across it. Thanks TG for helping me see that what I want to share shouldn't be censored because of who may read it, though this isn't my usual blog, it is me...I am nothingness.

It seems bad things always happen to good people. Usually they are people around me, if it is not me myself. Life seems so depressing. Bad things happen every second to someone. You only hear tragedies on the news, when do you hear about someone falling in love, never. Along with my list about being constantly depressed, I don’t mention the fact that I have attempted suicide several times, when I was younger and still constantly think about it. One person alone stops me now, my boy. I once attempted hanging myself with an extension cord but was too tall to do it in my house. Drugs have always helped ease the pain that people sometimes call life. The only problem now is random drug tests. I will always be an outside that no one but a few people like. I am used to it, but the loneliness still hurts. I think that is the worse pain, loneliness, I have spent my whole life alone and it is tragic knowing that I am probably going to continue through life and death the same way. What can I do to change this? Be the person everyone likes, by being someone else? I am stuck being me, the person who says stupid shit and then kicks himself in the ass after I am home by myself overanalyzing the reason I wasn’t asked to hang out again. I realize that I ruin every opportunity that comes my way, afraid to ask a girl out and sound childish. I am pathetic. But I am me; no one can take that from me. All I can do is hope that I can come across a shy woman who is the same way and hope that I have the balls to step up and see that this is the time to act. Someday perhaps.