Tides come and go

So since my last agonizing post some things have improved and then are heading back down, like the tides, they rise but soon they fall back down. I started school, I got a job. The job kinda sucked I worked as a cook but I had some friends there but we'd stay up all night drinking and partying after work, which was fun but not what I needed. The job was kind of stressful so I found an easier job for more pay working with handicapp people. Nice and easy, school was going pretty good. I'd go to school, work out until it was time for work, go to work and do my homework and study at work at night after he went to bed, go home sleep... repeat... repeat... repeat. Nice and boring, sucked a bit cause I didn't really have friends anymore. I met a cool chick, it was fun though I didn't have much time and neither did she. She wanted an intimate realationship that I can't give her right now. I am far from ready to commit to anyone right now. It made her feel bad, we called it off and are trying to be friends but she keeps hoping for more. Work cut my hours back to almost nothing, I am broke as a joke! I barely have enough to pay most my bills, I have been having to use my credit cards and eat my parents food. School is still ok except one class sucks. Being busy has kept me from drinking, I haven't had a bottle in my house for quite a while, or any beer. I have gone out with friends a couple times and drank but nothing like it used to be. But now that I am not working as much I feel the want to drink rising, luckily I am too broke to buy any, they only accept cash for some reason so I can't use my cards. I keep telling myself that it will negativly affect my working out. I am getting into good shape and getting healthy, though my nutrition is getting worse since I don't have enough money for good food, I am going to frozen dinners, ramen noodles, and mac and cheese but its still food. All I can do is keep fighting and keep living. Live for this moment, before the moments gone. Try to find the little moments when its quiet and there are no thoughts going through my head. Sooner or later the tides will go back down and then they will go back up, no sense in fighting them in either direction.

Almost a year...

Funny my last post here was about HB and I fighting, we made up and then it all went to shit. Where and what should I post about now. I am still fighting depression and still a battling alcoholic. I have no job, I have only a couple friends and most I don't share my problems, all I do is write them on the blog or keep them bottled up inside. I have read self help books to try to teach me to ease the pain, they helped for a while. But I still end up drinking to numb myself from myself, to try to keep the thought at bay. My life has truly gone to shit. The only thing I have that keeps me even trying to fight everything is my son. But once he is asleep or at his moms, I have nothing holding me back from grabbing a bottle and wanting to drown myself. I try using will power but that only holds me up for a little while, or holds me back from drinking as much but the fact still remains that I had to drink. I did quit smoking, I could beat that but not the alcohol. If I could just find a job, things should get better thats what I keep telling myself. I will have something to keep me busy and from sitting here thinking about everything, I will hopefully make some new friends so I won't be such a burden on the few I have now. I will be able to pay my bills! I start school next month, that will also help keep me busy. Despite my laziness, right now I would rather be too busy and all over the place than stagnant! The only thing that I have been doing for myself is getting my tattoo, every week I have been spending the money that I shouldn't be spending, it's like another bad habit. But I do deserve some sort of reward, I never give myself anything, so this is my gift to myself for trying, I tried to quit smoking and succeeded, I am trying to be a good dad, I am trying to find a job, I am trying to make myself a better person, I am trying to be healthier. Maybe someday I will succeed...

What do I do? Do I continue going on making her life miserable in hopes that it will all work out or do i go back home? Lately I have felt no love, it is like we're roommates who share a bed. You always act pissed at me, you barely give me kisses and when I tell you I love you, you struggle to force the words from your lips. You got me again god, dangle the piece of hope in front of me and then take it away, if not for her, I'd been dead by now or at least dying. Now it's too late my family won't get shit for my death, they would have gotten 400k, now just bills. I'm suprised she stuck around this long, but now it's over. I have a feeling I will stay til the lease is up and we will part ways. I am done, I am done feeling, I am tired of having my heart trampled, even if it's not on pourpose. I am done making peoples lives miserable because they let me into it. I will simply go back to being a hermit, I have no more friends around anyway, cutting off communication isn't all that hard. I will find a low paying job somewhere to pay the bills until I die, just like the rest of the people back home. Or do I go in hopes that somehow love will conquer? Love doesn't conquer shit, it only conquers me. It only fucks with my head and gives me hope that I am not a piece of shit, at least temporarily, then its gone and I am the ass that fell for it...again. I swear each and every time that I won't be that stupid again but sure enough, I do. Someday I will be free, someday I will feel no more. Someday I will make the right decision. Is it better to have loved and lost or not to have loved at all. My vote is to die.