Forsaken

Last night as I laid down, not the slightest bit tired since I took a 3 hour nap just 5 hours earlier, my mind was racing. I stared at the pile of blankets next to me, waiting for a sound, a sigh, a cough or anything. Anything to clear the suffocating silence. Silence my old friend, I thought you were gone forever but as usual you come back to me. I could make it through a whole day not saying a word and I don't think anyone would care, or they would be happy with it. It seems that I piss people off when I open my mouth, though for most people I am trying to. But when I open my mouth to someone I care about just simply making an observation about someone being needy or expressing my hurt about a compliment to someone else I get the rapture. I get the silent treatment. I guess that's what happens when I get too comfortable with someone that I think I can express my feelings to, it backfires. I need to go back to the passionless granite shell I used to wear and see if it still fits. Apparently the world is still not ready for my emotions, Put them back in a time capsule and open them in a few years. Before I fell asleep, I said my prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this isn't a downhill steep
If it is let me die before I wake
So I can die before she realizes it was a mistake.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night when she rolled over and touched me, apparently with the silence my body was reverting back into forsaken mode. It was going to the place it knew so well. The cold lonely nights. But yet I am awake this day so if there is a lord then hopefully this will get better or he is just teasing and torturing me again. I guess time will tell which.

I love...

The way you smile
The way your hair always looks
your eyes!
They way you smell
the way you taste!
Your sense of humor
your strength
your indecisiveness
your thoughtfulness
your cooking
that you joined the color guard to be around me
your openness
that even when I am upset you can make me smile
the butterflies that you still give me
your jealousy even though sometimes it's over nothing
your beauty in and out
that your willing to move in with me
that you are willing to introduce me to your family
that you may meet mine even if you've been trying to back out
that you introduced me to Gabe
your kiss
Miss Sprinkles!
that you appreciate me
doing small things to show you how much I love you
that you can't see how great you truly are
your honesty
your stories, even though some have too much detail
taking showers with you
holding you
sleeping with you
31 that you don't get too mad at me for stealing blankets
your laugh
your sneeze
your hiccups when you smoke
when you bite your lip
that we can laugh about the dumbest things
that your my best friend

Springs here again....Reproductive Glands

Now last year at this time I was a very bitter, hateful person. As the weather warms up and you see people walking the streets hand in hand, I wanted to puke. This year I am finally one of those people. I'm not sure how often we will be walking the streets but that part doesn't matter. I have a lot of emotions coursing through my veins about spring and summer. HB and I moving in together doesn't seem too much like a big deal since we have been pretty much for several months now, but I am still nervous. Slightly anxious about my son coming, but not too bad. I thing it will be a fun time but I am worried about missing out on my other jobs income, I don't think it will hurt too bad with HB and I splitting the bills. I'm worried about boring HB to death. I mean hell I get bored with myself a lot! How can she deal with it. I am happy that she is with me and happy with myself because I know that no one can treat her better than I do. I enjoy doing those little things that most men tend to forget. Now I'm not saying that I myself may fall out of the habit but for me it doesn't seem like a hassle. I am a little nervous about meeting her family. She'll be bringing home a white boy and I am pretty sure they speak Spanish regularly and I will be wondering if they are talking about me...lol. I'm not nervous about her meeting mine, hell they already love her and they've never met or talked to her. They can tell how happy she makes me. I am a little nervous wondering how my son is going to act seeing her and me kissing her. He's questioned me already about who I'm living with but I think thats because his mom puts thoughts in his head. Like I said a plethora of emotions. But more than anything I am happy and that is what matters the most.

I Remember....

I remember those days way back when so well. The days when I didn't have a job. The days when I would sit at home with you all day long. We had so much fun in those days. How they seem so far away now. I used to get iritated with you, only because I didn't know how to handle the situation. For the times when I shouted, I apologize. But hopefully you will remember the good times as I do. I remember taking you out and rollerblading, put you in your stoller and off we'd go. You'd laugh as the wind hit your face. Sometimes you'd even fall alseep at peace with your daddy pushing you while doing a thing he enjoyed doing so much. How close we were back then. Spending all our time together. How I'd get up everytime you cried at night to feed you. I wish time wouldn't have pulled us apart. Life happens, life changes. I got a job that took me away for a while, when I got back you didn't recognize me, or if you did you were mad at me for leaving. You didn't like me much anymore. It hurt more than you will ever know, or I'd ever be able to explain. But things got better. We lived together as a family once again. And I again pushed you in your stroller while I rollerbladed. This time in a different state and much faster as you cheered. We went down hills, both of us laughed as you screamed for me to go faster. Then it all changed again. This time you left me, not by choice but with your mommy. A little older now, you don't seem to resent me quite as much but I still feel it. I hate the fact that I'm missing you growing up. I hate having to hear about it over the phone as you grow taller and begin climbing trees. I know sometimes I was strict with you and you may have hated it. I know I was the same with my parents. But one thing I try to do different with you is talk about it afterwards. Let you know why I was upset and let you voice your opinions about it. I know that we hardly get to spend time together and I know I may slip your mind from time to time. Even though we don't talk much I hope you know I constantly think about you and our future. This summer may be rough but after I get out of the Navy maybe you can come stay with me for a while and then next summer spend it all with me. I just need to save up money and get a bigger place and find a babysitter so I can work when you come still. Though I know I won't want to. I want to teach you how to be a man, not like the other guys you are around, they are not good role modles. I want you to grow up right. I want you to be a good man, as I am trying to be. I want you to have a better life than I did. I hope that one day we will rollerblade down the road once again and talk of the times I remember so long ago.

Why is it I can still fall into slumps. What is it inside me that can bring me down. I think it is my mind. It's got a mind of it's own that I can't controll. I have been happy, really happy, happier than I have been in I don't know how long. But when I am away from here my mind wins, it wonders and roams over shit that is pretty much meaningless for the time being. It trys to think of a future that I don't want to see. When I am with her I only think about the now. I am happy now, I am with her and that's where I want to be right now. But when she is away, that's when the happiness fades and the hate takes over. The hate for everything, I hate the world and everything in it, except for her and the other few that even my mind can't convince me to hate. I hate the fact that I could start a list of everyone and everything I hate but it would be never ending, I could sit here for the rest of my life hating. I hate myself for reasons unknown. I hate the black cloud that seems to constantly follow me around. I hate the fact that I can be depressed when my life has been going great for the past 122 days. I hate greed, I hate money that creates the greed, I hate the money that we need to survive. I hate the fact that entire world depends and struggles for a small piece of paper that runs our lives. It destroys out lives. Everyone will do anything for that little piece of paper, think about it. Everyone has a price. Every guy will take a dick in the ass for some amount of money, every woman would shove a broom stick up her for some amount of money. People may say other wise but get a couple million dollars in cash in front of them and watch them drop their pants. I have never been this way. I have never really given 2 shits about money. I will blow everything in one night just for shits and giggles. The more money you have the more trouble it is. But now I am begining to hate myself for becoming greedy. I keep working and keep saving. I have come to the conclusion that everyone falls into this way of life. I guess that's when you become an adult. When you realize that this is one world under the dollar. When you realize that a piece of paper makes the world go round. You are not in control of your life, the money you have is in control of how your life will be. How much money you have decides what college you can go to, what kind of house you will have, what kind of person you can date, and every other aspect of your life. The thought of all this has begun to drive me mad. For now I'll play along, I'll play the game. What choice do I have, I'm off to work.

Pink Floyd - "Money"

Money, get away.
Get a good job with good pay and you’re okay.
Money, it’s a gas.
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I’ll buy me a football team.

Money, get back.
I’m all right jack keep your hands off of my stack.
Money, it’s a hit.
Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit.
I’m in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a lear jet.

Money, it’s a crime.
Share it fairly but don’t take a slice of my pie.
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today.
But if you ask for a raise it’s no surprise that they’re
Giving none away.

Huhuh! I was in the right!
Yes, absolutely in the right!
I certainly was in the right!
You was definitely in the right. that geezer was cruising for a
Bruising!
Yeah!
Why does anyone do anything?
I don’t know, I was really drunk at the time!
I was just telling him, he couldn’t get into number 2. he was asking
Why he wasn’t coming up on freely, after I was yelling and
Screaming and telling him why he wasn’t coming up on freely.
It came as a heavy blow, but we sorted the matter out

A Dream Within a Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
-Edgar Allan Poe



If I'd only known then what I know now,
The advice of elders, I wouldn't disavow.
Everyone always has to learn the hard way,
The world that looks so bright doth betray.
We live, we fuck up, and we learn,
But your life should always be a constant concern.
People try to warn you and say learn from my mistakes,
Trying to prevent friends from more heart breaks.
We dream of a world that's going to be perfect,
But as life goes on we realize we're incorrect.
Life is a rollercoaster with constant turns and twists,
Even when we're happy a dark force exists.
Always lurking, waiting for us to drop our guard,
When it hits again it leaves us charred.
But we still march trying to keep the smile on our face,
And deep down we know this wound we should embrace.
Learn that that was what the elders once told us,
If we'd listened back then we wouldn't have this stress.
Life will never be as perfect as the movies,
When we realize that our life will appease.
Listen carefully to those who've been in our shoes,
So we don't drown again in a bottle of booze.
We just need to be happy with just the way our lives are,
It may be lonely or even a little bizarre.
But life goes on, we continue to learn,
And tell others in return.
Hope they heed the words unlike we did.
-RC666

A Story...

Once upon a time there was an unwanted child born to a young couple. The child grew up knowing that he was different but didn't know how or why. He seemed to do things that got him in trouble, as long as he could remember. He still remembers when he was really young stealing his cousin's birthday money when he really had no use for money back then. He got caught and in trouble. Still to this day he doesn't exactly know why he did bad things and was constantly in trouble while he was younger. As he became a little older he noticed he was slipping into depression and spent a lot more time alone in his room darkened by foil over his window to keep the light out. He was still getting into trouble and did drugs to escape the reality he lived daily. Not being popular, not haveing many friends, Not having any money, and just not having anyone he could really talk to made matters even worse. Now as a man looking back he thinks that all he ever really needed was a sense of love. His parents always unintentionally neglected him, friends just came and gone out of his life, girls never really paid him any attention and after talking to him found out that he was a really messed up individual. He had all these dark thoughts in the back of his mind, hidden resentments towards the world that didn't want him. He constantly thought of death and how great it would be to be free of all the hatred towards him. He unsuccessfully attempted several times. He was a wuss, though pain didn't affect him the fear of the unknown scared th3e shit out of him. He eventually came across a friend that had a loving family that he had always dreamed of. He became close to this family, they helped him see that there were good parents out there but every night he still went back to the home he wasn't wanted in and didn't want to be in. This family helped him stop doing drugs as much at least and suicide was out of his mind. Then he drifted away from this family. He met a girl who he thought loved him. Love the one thing that he has been looking for. Arguing all the time is a part of relationships, he thought. This was his first real relationship, real being lasting more than 2 weeks. He had to hold on to this and not let go. Th ough he wasn't happy he stayed because they themselves, a young couple had an unexpected child. His parents stayed together even though they fought all the time, they stayed together to raise their unwanted child. He too could do this. He would show this child that he was loved, that he was wanted in this world. He would try to give him everything his heart could ever desire. He held on and didn't want to let go. He lost his job so he got to spend everyday with him, though he again lived in a house where he wasn't wanted. He lived with his new wife's family. They would daily tell her things about him. They would make up things, accuse him of beating the child that he loved so much, said he was flirting with her cousins 15 year old friend because he wasn't wearing a shirt because it was summertime, and the list just kept going. He told her that her family was crazy, she didn't believe him. He stayed and endured the arguments and her leaving and going out with old boyfriends and he stayed at home with the son he loved. Eventually he found a job that involved traveling and he had to sacrifice time with his son. But he would at least get away from his wife and her crazy family for a while. She eventually said she wanted a divorce and took everything, including the love. During the relationship he realized that what they had between them wasn't love, it couldn't be, though it was more than he had felt before it couldn't be what the hype was about. But he knew he loved his son, he wanted his life to be different than his. He wanted this unexpected child to not feel like an unwanted child. He rarely gets to see his child these days, and doesn't talk to him on the phone as much as he probably should. But he still thinks of him everyday and hopes that his son doesn't grow up feeling like he once did. His job eventually led him to meet a woman. This woman has a different background. Although she has similar interests and they have a lot of things in common. She also has wanted someone to love and thought that she was in love with the people before. She also didn't know how love felt and though she may not have been happy it had to be love. They met, they hit if off, they fell for each other quickly. They finally found out what "real love" was, the love for someone other than family, other than his son and other than her son. They felt this thing so powerful, the need to be with the other. They physically and emotionally needed each other. They met at a low part in both of their lives. They both build on each other. That is real love. They don't really argue, they don't fight, they talk about everything about their past. He is happy he has suffered in the past so that he can fully appreciate what he has found. His life now has two goals: make sure his son always knows he loves him, and make sure she knows she is loved. He hopes he can accomplish both of those goals and hopes that he can make both of them happy for the rest of his life.

Lately I have been feeling a little helpless and slightly confused on what to do. HB has seemed stressed out and with a good right to, things haven't been going smoothly. I want to help and make everything right and make her happy. I know that my presence does help, I just wish there was more I can do. Gabe has been unruly with her. I'm not a child phsycologist and have no idea why. Sometimes I want to try to offer advise but am afraid of crossing a boundry because I know damn well that it's definately not my place but I want to try to offer suggestions that may help. I know that I have no room to talk though, when I lived with my son I had a really really bad temper with him. I know that kids drive you insane. Even when I was home last week he almost drove me over the edge. I have learned to control it alot better though now that he is older and I see him less, he listens a little better and knows when I am about to snap and I send him to his room or put him in there if he doesn't listen and this gives both of us time to cool down and talk. But when he was younger, like Gabe is, they don't stay in their room or give you time to cool down, they are always pushing. I have come to laughing at them when they cry and throw their fits, I really think it's funny, though greatly annoying (especially in public). I wonder when they come to think that, that is an acceptable way to try to get the things they want. But anyways when I wonder what advise I could give that wouldn't be crossing a line I realize that I don't know how I would would have been able to control my temper back then. I don't know, I just over analyze things alot I guess. In this case it is probably a good thing though. All I know is I love her and want her to be happy.