A Dream Within a Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
-Edgar Allan Poe



If I'd only known then what I know now,
The advice of elders, I wouldn't disavow.
Everyone always has to learn the hard way,
The world that looks so bright doth betray.
We live, we fuck up, and we learn,
But your life should always be a constant concern.
People try to warn you and say learn from my mistakes,
Trying to prevent friends from more heart breaks.
We dream of a world that's going to be perfect,
But as life goes on we realize we're incorrect.
Life is a rollercoaster with constant turns and twists,
Even when we're happy a dark force exists.
Always lurking, waiting for us to drop our guard,
When it hits again it leaves us charred.
But we still march trying to keep the smile on our face,
And deep down we know this wound we should embrace.
Learn that that was what the elders once told us,
If we'd listened back then we wouldn't have this stress.
Life will never be as perfect as the movies,
When we realize that our life will appease.
Listen carefully to those who've been in our shoes,
So we don't drown again in a bottle of booze.
We just need to be happy with just the way our lives are,
It may be lonely or even a little bizarre.
But life goes on, we continue to learn,
And tell others in return.
Hope they heed the words unlike we did.
-RC666

A Story...

Once upon a time there was an unwanted child born to a young couple. The child grew up knowing that he was different but didn't know how or why. He seemed to do things that got him in trouble, as long as he could remember. He still remembers when he was really young stealing his cousin's birthday money when he really had no use for money back then. He got caught and in trouble. Still to this day he doesn't exactly know why he did bad things and was constantly in trouble while he was younger. As he became a little older he noticed he was slipping into depression and spent a lot more time alone in his room darkened by foil over his window to keep the light out. He was still getting into trouble and did drugs to escape the reality he lived daily. Not being popular, not haveing many friends, Not having any money, and just not having anyone he could really talk to made matters even worse. Now as a man looking back he thinks that all he ever really needed was a sense of love. His parents always unintentionally neglected him, friends just came and gone out of his life, girls never really paid him any attention and after talking to him found out that he was a really messed up individual. He had all these dark thoughts in the back of his mind, hidden resentments towards the world that didn't want him. He constantly thought of death and how great it would be to be free of all the hatred towards him. He unsuccessfully attempted several times. He was a wuss, though pain didn't affect him the fear of the unknown scared th3e shit out of him. He eventually came across a friend that had a loving family that he had always dreamed of. He became close to this family, they helped him see that there were good parents out there but every night he still went back to the home he wasn't wanted in and didn't want to be in. This family helped him stop doing drugs as much at least and suicide was out of his mind. Then he drifted away from this family. He met a girl who he thought loved him. Love the one thing that he has been looking for. Arguing all the time is a part of relationships, he thought. This was his first real relationship, real being lasting more than 2 weeks. He had to hold on to this and not let go. Th ough he wasn't happy he stayed because they themselves, a young couple had an unexpected child. His parents stayed together even though they fought all the time, they stayed together to raise their unwanted child. He too could do this. He would show this child that he was loved, that he was wanted in this world. He would try to give him everything his heart could ever desire. He held on and didn't want to let go. He lost his job so he got to spend everyday with him, though he again lived in a house where he wasn't wanted. He lived with his new wife's family. They would daily tell her things about him. They would make up things, accuse him of beating the child that he loved so much, said he was flirting with her cousins 15 year old friend because he wasn't wearing a shirt because it was summertime, and the list just kept going. He told her that her family was crazy, she didn't believe him. He stayed and endured the arguments and her leaving and going out with old boyfriends and he stayed at home with the son he loved. Eventually he found a job that involved traveling and he had to sacrifice time with his son. But he would at least get away from his wife and her crazy family for a while. She eventually said she wanted a divorce and took everything, including the love. During the relationship he realized that what they had between them wasn't love, it couldn't be, though it was more than he had felt before it couldn't be what the hype was about. But he knew he loved his son, he wanted his life to be different than his. He wanted this unexpected child to not feel like an unwanted child. He rarely gets to see his child these days, and doesn't talk to him on the phone as much as he probably should. But he still thinks of him everyday and hopes that his son doesn't grow up feeling like he once did. His job eventually led him to meet a woman. This woman has a different background. Although she has similar interests and they have a lot of things in common. She also has wanted someone to love and thought that she was in love with the people before. She also didn't know how love felt and though she may not have been happy it had to be love. They met, they hit if off, they fell for each other quickly. They finally found out what "real love" was, the love for someone other than family, other than his son and other than her son. They felt this thing so powerful, the need to be with the other. They physically and emotionally needed each other. They met at a low part in both of their lives. They both build on each other. That is real love. They don't really argue, they don't fight, they talk about everything about their past. He is happy he has suffered in the past so that he can fully appreciate what he has found. His life now has two goals: make sure his son always knows he loves him, and make sure she knows she is loved. He hopes he can accomplish both of those goals and hopes that he can make both of them happy for the rest of his life.

Lately I have been feeling a little helpless and slightly confused on what to do. HB has seemed stressed out and with a good right to, things haven't been going smoothly. I want to help and make everything right and make her happy. I know that my presence does help, I just wish there was more I can do. Gabe has been unruly with her. I'm not a child phsycologist and have no idea why. Sometimes I want to try to offer advise but am afraid of crossing a boundry because I know damn well that it's definately not my place but I want to try to offer suggestions that may help. I know that I have no room to talk though, when I lived with my son I had a really really bad temper with him. I know that kids drive you insane. Even when I was home last week he almost drove me over the edge. I have learned to control it alot better though now that he is older and I see him less, he listens a little better and knows when I am about to snap and I send him to his room or put him in there if he doesn't listen and this gives both of us time to cool down and talk. But when he was younger, like Gabe is, they don't stay in their room or give you time to cool down, they are always pushing. I have come to laughing at them when they cry and throw their fits, I really think it's funny, though greatly annoying (especially in public). I wonder when they come to think that, that is an acceptable way to try to get the things they want. But anyways when I wonder what advise I could give that wouldn't be crossing a line I realize that I don't know how I would would have been able to control my temper back then. I don't know, I just over analyze things alot I guess. In this case it is probably a good thing though. All I know is I love her and want her to be happy.