Tides come and go

So since my last agonizing post some things have improved and then are heading back down, like the tides, they rise but soon they fall back down. I started school, I got a job. The job kinda sucked I worked as a cook but I had some friends there but we'd stay up all night drinking and partying after work, which was fun but not what I needed. The job was kind of stressful so I found an easier job for more pay working with handicapp people. Nice and easy, school was going pretty good. I'd go to school, work out until it was time for work, go to work and do my homework and study at work at night after he went to bed, go home sleep... repeat... repeat... repeat. Nice and boring, sucked a bit cause I didn't really have friends anymore. I met a cool chick, it was fun though I didn't have much time and neither did she. She wanted an intimate realationship that I can't give her right now. I am far from ready to commit to anyone right now. It made her feel bad, we called it off and are trying to be friends but she keeps hoping for more. Work cut my hours back to almost nothing, I am broke as a joke! I barely have enough to pay most my bills, I have been having to use my credit cards and eat my parents food. School is still ok except one class sucks. Being busy has kept me from drinking, I haven't had a bottle in my house for quite a while, or any beer. I have gone out with friends a couple times and drank but nothing like it used to be. But now that I am not working as much I feel the want to drink rising, luckily I am too broke to buy any, they only accept cash for some reason so I can't use my cards. I keep telling myself that it will negativly affect my working out. I am getting into good shape and getting healthy, though my nutrition is getting worse since I don't have enough money for good food, I am going to frozen dinners, ramen noodles, and mac and cheese but its still food. All I can do is keep fighting and keep living. Live for this moment, before the moments gone. Try to find the little moments when its quiet and there are no thoughts going through my head. Sooner or later the tides will go back down and then they will go back up, no sense in fighting them in either direction.

Almost a year...

Funny my last post here was about HB and I fighting, we made up and then it all went to shit. Where and what should I post about now. I am still fighting depression and still a battling alcoholic. I have no job, I have only a couple friends and most I don't share my problems, all I do is write them on the blog or keep them bottled up inside. I have read self help books to try to teach me to ease the pain, they helped for a while. But I still end up drinking to numb myself from myself, to try to keep the thought at bay. My life has truly gone to shit. The only thing I have that keeps me even trying to fight everything is my son. But once he is asleep or at his moms, I have nothing holding me back from grabbing a bottle and wanting to drown myself. I try using will power but that only holds me up for a little while, or holds me back from drinking as much but the fact still remains that I had to drink. I did quit smoking, I could beat that but not the alcohol. If I could just find a job, things should get better thats what I keep telling myself. I will have something to keep me busy and from sitting here thinking about everything, I will hopefully make some new friends so I won't be such a burden on the few I have now. I will be able to pay my bills! I start school next month, that will also help keep me busy. Despite my laziness, right now I would rather be too busy and all over the place than stagnant! The only thing that I have been doing for myself is getting my tattoo, every week I have been spending the money that I shouldn't be spending, it's like another bad habit. But I do deserve some sort of reward, I never give myself anything, so this is my gift to myself for trying, I tried to quit smoking and succeeded, I am trying to be a good dad, I am trying to find a job, I am trying to make myself a better person, I am trying to be healthier. Maybe someday I will succeed...

What do I do? Do I continue going on making her life miserable in hopes that it will all work out or do i go back home? Lately I have felt no love, it is like we're roommates who share a bed. You always act pissed at me, you barely give me kisses and when I tell you I love you, you struggle to force the words from your lips. You got me again god, dangle the piece of hope in front of me and then take it away, if not for her, I'd been dead by now or at least dying. Now it's too late my family won't get shit for my death, they would have gotten 400k, now just bills. I'm suprised she stuck around this long, but now it's over. I have a feeling I will stay til the lease is up and we will part ways. I am done, I am done feeling, I am tired of having my heart trampled, even if it's not on pourpose. I am done making peoples lives miserable because they let me into it. I will simply go back to being a hermit, I have no more friends around anyway, cutting off communication isn't all that hard. I will find a low paying job somewhere to pay the bills until I die, just like the rest of the people back home. Or do I go in hopes that somehow love will conquer? Love doesn't conquer shit, it only conquers me. It only fucks with my head and gives me hope that I am not a piece of shit, at least temporarily, then its gone and I am the ass that fell for it...again. I swear each and every time that I won't be that stupid again but sure enough, I do. Someday I will be free, someday I will feel no more. Someday I will make the right decision. Is it better to have loved and lost or not to have loved at all. My vote is to die.

Forsaken

Last night as I laid down, not the slightest bit tired since I took a 3 hour nap just 5 hours earlier, my mind was racing. I stared at the pile of blankets next to me, waiting for a sound, a sigh, a cough or anything. Anything to clear the suffocating silence. Silence my old friend, I thought you were gone forever but as usual you come back to me. I could make it through a whole day not saying a word and I don't think anyone would care, or they would be happy with it. It seems that I piss people off when I open my mouth, though for most people I am trying to. But when I open my mouth to someone I care about just simply making an observation about someone being needy or expressing my hurt about a compliment to someone else I get the rapture. I get the silent treatment. I guess that's what happens when I get too comfortable with someone that I think I can express my feelings to, it backfires. I need to go back to the passionless granite shell I used to wear and see if it still fits. Apparently the world is still not ready for my emotions, Put them back in a time capsule and open them in a few years. Before I fell asleep, I said my prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this isn't a downhill steep
If it is let me die before I wake
So I can die before she realizes it was a mistake.

I woke up several times in the middle of the night when she rolled over and touched me, apparently with the silence my body was reverting back into forsaken mode. It was going to the place it knew so well. The cold lonely nights. But yet I am awake this day so if there is a lord then hopefully this will get better or he is just teasing and torturing me again. I guess time will tell which.

I love...

The way you smile
The way your hair always looks
your eyes!
They way you smell
the way you taste!
Your sense of humor
your strength
your indecisiveness
your thoughtfulness
your cooking
that you joined the color guard to be around me
your openness
that even when I am upset you can make me smile
the butterflies that you still give me
your jealousy even though sometimes it's over nothing
your beauty in and out
that your willing to move in with me
that you are willing to introduce me to your family
that you may meet mine even if you've been trying to back out
that you introduced me to Gabe
your kiss
Miss Sprinkles!
that you appreciate me
doing small things to show you how much I love you
that you can't see how great you truly are
your honesty
your stories, even though some have too much detail
taking showers with you
holding you
sleeping with you
31 that you don't get too mad at me for stealing blankets
your laugh
your sneeze
your hiccups when you smoke
when you bite your lip
that we can laugh about the dumbest things
that your my best friend

Springs here again....Reproductive Glands

Now last year at this time I was a very bitter, hateful person. As the weather warms up and you see people walking the streets hand in hand, I wanted to puke. This year I am finally one of those people. I'm not sure how often we will be walking the streets but that part doesn't matter. I have a lot of emotions coursing through my veins about spring and summer. HB and I moving in together doesn't seem too much like a big deal since we have been pretty much for several months now, but I am still nervous. Slightly anxious about my son coming, but not too bad. I thing it will be a fun time but I am worried about missing out on my other jobs income, I don't think it will hurt too bad with HB and I splitting the bills. I'm worried about boring HB to death. I mean hell I get bored with myself a lot! How can she deal with it. I am happy that she is with me and happy with myself because I know that no one can treat her better than I do. I enjoy doing those little things that most men tend to forget. Now I'm not saying that I myself may fall out of the habit but for me it doesn't seem like a hassle. I am a little nervous about meeting her family. She'll be bringing home a white boy and I am pretty sure they speak Spanish regularly and I will be wondering if they are talking about me...lol. I'm not nervous about her meeting mine, hell they already love her and they've never met or talked to her. They can tell how happy she makes me. I am a little nervous wondering how my son is going to act seeing her and me kissing her. He's questioned me already about who I'm living with but I think thats because his mom puts thoughts in his head. Like I said a plethora of emotions. But more than anything I am happy and that is what matters the most.

I Remember....

I remember those days way back when so well. The days when I didn't have a job. The days when I would sit at home with you all day long. We had so much fun in those days. How they seem so far away now. I used to get iritated with you, only because I didn't know how to handle the situation. For the times when I shouted, I apologize. But hopefully you will remember the good times as I do. I remember taking you out and rollerblading, put you in your stoller and off we'd go. You'd laugh as the wind hit your face. Sometimes you'd even fall alseep at peace with your daddy pushing you while doing a thing he enjoyed doing so much. How close we were back then. Spending all our time together. How I'd get up everytime you cried at night to feed you. I wish time wouldn't have pulled us apart. Life happens, life changes. I got a job that took me away for a while, when I got back you didn't recognize me, or if you did you were mad at me for leaving. You didn't like me much anymore. It hurt more than you will ever know, or I'd ever be able to explain. But things got better. We lived together as a family once again. And I again pushed you in your stroller while I rollerbladed. This time in a different state and much faster as you cheered. We went down hills, both of us laughed as you screamed for me to go faster. Then it all changed again. This time you left me, not by choice but with your mommy. A little older now, you don't seem to resent me quite as much but I still feel it. I hate the fact that I'm missing you growing up. I hate having to hear about it over the phone as you grow taller and begin climbing trees. I know sometimes I was strict with you and you may have hated it. I know I was the same with my parents. But one thing I try to do different with you is talk about it afterwards. Let you know why I was upset and let you voice your opinions about it. I know that we hardly get to spend time together and I know I may slip your mind from time to time. Even though we don't talk much I hope you know I constantly think about you and our future. This summer may be rough but after I get out of the Navy maybe you can come stay with me for a while and then next summer spend it all with me. I just need to save up money and get a bigger place and find a babysitter so I can work when you come still. Though I know I won't want to. I want to teach you how to be a man, not like the other guys you are around, they are not good role modles. I want you to grow up right. I want you to be a good man, as I am trying to be. I want you to have a better life than I did. I hope that one day we will rollerblade down the road once again and talk of the times I remember so long ago.